Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Recovery Ninja

Ever since my doctors and dietician appointment yesterday, I've been feeling very down. If you didn't see my YouTube video I made last night, I talked about how my weight is down six pounds and my other numbers weren't too great either. I got blood tests results back and some things were flagged high or low but he said all the major stuff was okay. To sum up what happened, I was faced with the reality of possible involuntary hospitalization and my treatment team yet again pushing inpatient or at least IOP since that's all my insurance covers. 

To be honest, I don't really consider more intensive treatment an option right now- because of my financial situation and because of my job. So my only option right now is to get my shit together. Tonight I wrote out a plan for the week, starting tomorrow (Thursday). I talked to Sarah too and she really encouraged me, reminding me of why I WANT to recovery and how much my eating disorder has already taken away from me. 

It's time to reclaim my life.

Main Goals:
1. Stick to meal plan.
2. Read devotions every day.
3. Take my meds (because I've been inconsistent).
4. Reduce purging to 0-1 times a day (instead of 3-6).

I gonna pull out the pow pow and take out Ed, recovery ninja style. Who's with me?


  1. I would be with you... But I don't think I'd be able to do it.
    So best of luck to you! I hope you can get through this and get on with your life, leaving these past years that your ED has taken from you behind as a fading memory. You deserve it. <3

  2. I'm in the same position of having my team push more intensive treatment, preferably inpatient/residential, yet not having the means to do so. It feels very frustrating and at times hopeless to me, because it seems like now that that's what they've determined to be the next step, they completely overlook the fact that it's just not possible. I wish more people could understand and grasp that getting intensive treatment for an ED is not as simple as picking a center, placing a call and packing our least it's not that way for about 98% of us that struggle. I know this can be done. I know freedom is possible. I've walked in that freedom before and want it back so badly. I just don't know how to get it right now. It scares me, angers me and yet soothes me all at the same time. I wish none of us had to live with the devastation and destruction that is an ED. Cheering you on and believing that you can beat this. <3 xo

  3. Good luck to you raganmae...I'll miss your videos and blogs, but I'm afraid I'll have to sign off for a while until things get better for you. Sorry I can't offer any more support...I have to stay on top of what progress I have made over the years. Hope to see you back in recovery mode in the near future.

    1. Being a "recovery ninja" is me being in recovery mode. I want this! But I understand if you find my struggles triggering. Best of luck to you and your own recovery!

  4. Im in the same boat as you I need to recover
    Ninija style too. My ed is there and its hard I need to let him go and tell him to go back to hell.

  5. POW POW :) Go you! You can do this :) xxx

  6. Definitely!!! You can do it, and I know that I need to do it too and it's sooo nice knowing that there are other people in the same position and at a similar point in their eating disorders. I know it's SO hard to keep a positive attitude towards recovery when even the slightest thing knocks you back, but I think all of us who are serious about recovery need to support each other. I keep telling myself I don't want to recover, but I know that it's just because I'm scared of getting better. I'm scared that it'll be hard and I'm scared of finding out who I am without my eating disorder, but I need to get better, we need to get better, so we can start LIVING our lives again.

  7. Ninja to the max!!!!! I believe n u, u can do it!!!! Ur brave and deserve to be ed free. Don't give up and Plan Plan plan. Make a system for when you have bad days who ur gonna talk to and how ur NOT gonna binge or purge or restrict. U CAN DO IT!!!!

  8. i hope you stick to a meal plan, rae! its harder than it seems. but stick to it, even tho u may have reservations. if you don't want to go to treatment or the hospital, you really need to commit, regardless of weight gain. xoxo a