I Must Rant

I got on the scale this morning. Before I get critiqued for even getting on a scale, I know I shouldn't. I'm addicted to the scale and haven't managed to give it up, especially right now when I'm eating regularly and gaining weight. I feel as though I have to know. 

I gained another pound. That makes nine pounds in the last month. It's hard to remind myself that I'm supposed to be gaining weight. I feel horrible. I want to freak out. I want to cut back. I want to harm myself. I want to be self-destructive. My emotions are everywhere. I hate this. I hate weight gain. I hate feeling the difference in my body. 

Knowing these feelings won't last helps a bit, but right now it's hard to see past the numbers. I just needed to get it out. To say I'm not okay with it. I'll let it happen. I'll gain the weight until I'm weight restored. But I'm not happy about it. Not yet anyways. 

Trusting My Body

My body: That was a nice healthy meal! But I'm still hungry.

Me: No you're not. You're just being greedy. You don't need more food.

My body: Uh, yes I DO need more food. I'm trying to repair all the damage you've done and I need supplies for that. 

Me: I'm giving you four times more than I gave to you before- be happy with what you get! I'm sure you can manage with less. I don't want to get fat and if I give you more, I'm going to end up gaining too much weight.

I feel as though I'm stuck in this I-really-feel-uncomfortable-in-my-body mindset and difficult to break out of it. I had a lot of behaviors yesterday and purged once today. I think I've pinpointed the problem- I'm not letting myself eat the amount my body is asking of me. When I eat and am still hungry, I end up eating more and feeling guilty about it since it wasn't planned. Enters eating disorder behaviors.

Solution? Don't be so black and white! Listen to my body more. Trust my body. Easier said than done!!

Uncomfortable In My Skin

Today was one of those bad body image days. I feel so uncomfortable in my body and not only that but I'm sure I'll be starting my period in the next few days. I was an emotional wreck in therapy today and cried straight through the first thirty minutes. I felt so stupid for crying about my size.

Just one of those days.

Not much to say besides I BETTER START MY PERIOD SOON SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR BEING SO DAMN EMOTIONAL!!!!

Doctor's Appointment

I can finally say I had a doctor's appointment and it was great! Dr. White was very pleased with how well I've been doing. I think I nearly shocked him- he wasn't expecting it at all, since I've been steadily trending downward these past eight months.

My weight is up a great deal. It's hard to cope seeing that number on the scale. A part of me wants to scream. My blood pressure is still low, but not nearly as low as last time thank God! He was actually pleased with my newfound vegan lifestyle, considering it's a vast improvement from how I've been living, or not living depending on how you look at it.

I'M APPROVED FOR EXERCISE!!!! YES! So happy about it :) As long as I don't lose weight, replace calories burned, and stay accountable to my team.

OH and I told my mom about my veganism. She was strangely OK with it. I think, like my team, she sees how it's been beneficial for me. As long as I'm eating, getting enough of everything, and keeping it right?

My mom suggested I do their TRX class at the Y with them. That's the first time she's ever suggested it, and it makes me happy that she did. It means she's okay with me exercising too. So I did that class with them and though it wasn't cardio, it was still good for strength building. I suspect I'll be feeling it tomorrow.

All in all, a good day :)

A Lovely Girl's Getaway

I had a nice, laid-back girls weekend with Rissa :) I love the Montvale Hotel! We slept in today and had a late breakfast at a restaurant named Scout. I had granola with fresh fruit and soy milk, and coffee. It was yummy and I was so hungry. It felt so nice to know I didn't have to go to the bathroom and purge afterwards. I got to keep it. I know how odd that might sound, because I technically don't ever "have" to purge a meal. But when you're in the midst of an eating disorder, you abide by Ed's rules and he says you HAVE to purge everything, especially meals you don't know the exact calorie content of. 

We went shopping at Nordstroms for a bit and I got a bunch of new Mac makeup. I always plan to only get one thing and end up with a bag full. But I'm excited! I've been feeling ugly and just wanting to disappear, so I haven't been wearing much makeup, if any, glasses, and a pony tail. New makeup will be fun to wear and experiment with and maybe I'll feel a bit better about my appearance. 

Rissa and I then got Ben and Jerry's ice cream- I know, CRAZY! I got a small mango sorbet, but the amount she gave me didn't look small at all. She definitely gave me an extra scoop. It was yummy but afterwards I panicked. We were waiting for our movie, The Hunger Games, to start so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. I don't know how long I stood there, a battle going on in my head between me and Ed. Ice cream is so easy to get rid of, Ed said. It would be a shame to digest all those calories when getting rid of it would take little effort and little mess.

I told Ed to fuck off. It took everything in me to walk back to my seat and keep my butt planted there till the movie began (which was amazing by the way!)

Afterwards, Rissa drove me back to my car and I went to the health food store to do my weekly shopping. Of course I ran into an anorexic girl there, like I almost always do when in health food stores. Running into these girls always gives me an odd feeling. It's hard for me to walk away from them and not sneak glimpses. Everything in me wants to go up to them and...I don't know...say something? What would I say? I'm pretty sure you have an eating disorder and so do I? HAHA. RIGHT. That would go over well! All I do is smile and try to communicate through that smile that they're not alone and I understand.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day and 64 degrees which is the hottest it's been yet. I love spring! It just feels so fresh and it's so nice to feel the air warming up again and the sun shining. I made it home just in time to through a sweet potato in the oven and slip on my sneakers for a walk/jog before bible study. I haven't ran since September and so it slightly depressed me how out of shape I was, but it felt nice to move my body in the fresh air. A deal I have with myself is I can only exercise if I'm NOT purging and getting enough calories. It's a rule I have that's protected me from probably having a heart attack. I haven't always followed that rule. At one of my sicker moments, I was running a half marathon almost everyday on little food for energy. I ran my body into the ground. I'm careful now to make sure I don't become so addicted to exercise like before. It's why I stopped exercising, excluding walking, a month after I got back from treatment. It started to get out of hand again and I was still in a recovered mindset enough to use my wise mind and stop.

I wonder what this week will hold? I hope good things.

                                                                 ^The Montvale Hotel

(The Catacombs Restaurant)

    

                             My breakfast at Scout and my friend Rissa enjoying her food :)

Just some thoughts :)

Today has been one of those days where I've been up and down and not quite sure where I've ended up. I've been feeling that tug, the desire to give up striving for health and focus on losing weight. My friends are doing it- seeing how small they can get. I know it's wrong, but a part of me wants that too.

At the same time, I want to be healthy and fit. I want to radiate. I want to be at peace with my body instead of always fighting with it. 

I think I'll be okay. Just got to keep trekking along and focus on the picture in my mind of the healthy, happy, radiant me :) 

Rissa and her long time boyfriend broke up this past week so she really wanted to have a girls getaway weekend. We got a room at this cute boutique hotel downtown :) We went to dinner at this place called The Catacombs. Finding something on the menu that was vegan was practically impossible. Everything had either meat, cheese, or both. I ended up getting this cucumber tomato salad with kalamata olives, hold the feta, with some bread on the side for a bit more sustenance. I also ended up eating the crusts from Rissa's pizzas which felt a tad glutenous but maybe that's just the eating disorder talking. 

We're such old ladies at heart, we turned in for the night after dinner. Ended up watching The Wedding Planner and Monster-In-Law on the teli and drank wine. Rissa had this idea we were going to drink two entire bottles of wine between the two of us in addition to the drink (plural for Rissa) we had with dinner. She was so funny nagging me to finish my wine so she could give me more. I'm not a crazy drinker and I barely drink a glass at a time. I'm not someone who likes drinking a lot- one glass is just find with me and I'll sip on it for the entire night. I don't get why it bothers the friends I hang out with that I only drink one glass, in comparison to their two or three or more glasses of alcohol. 

Rissa is already asleep! I think it was the wine. She was hiccuping and everything haha. Reminds me of the disney movie Sleeping Beauty, when the mandolin player kept sneaking drinks while the two kings fought and ended up drunk, hiccuping and asleep under the table. 

I'm just chilling in the lobby of the hotel on my computer, thinking. Thinking about the future, thinking about whether or not I am going to choose health over Ed. The more I think about it, the more I want health. I'm slightly jealous of my friends who are giving into their eds...but I know it's not worth it. The price is too high and I'm not willing to pay with my life.

Drunk girls are walking through the lobby in their sequined, too tight, too short dresses and mini skirts. I'm glad I'm staying here and not going out like them. 

My Name Is NOT Skinny

Today's been a great day! When I say great, I don't mean everything went wonderfully and everyone was so so happy and got along with each other. What I AM saying is I dealt with the highs and lows of a normal day in a normal life without resorting to Ed. Don't think I wasn't tempted. I seriously considered it more than once. But the second I noticed I was entertaining eating disordered thoughts, I redirected my attention to something else and immersed myself in it. 

Woke up incredibly LATE and could have easily "not had time" to eat breakfast, but I managed to eat something that followed my meal plan on the go. I woke up to three inches of SNOW outside too! SERIOUSLY?! It's spring. Stop snowing already! 

Bad body image day. Felt like everything was too tight and everyone could tell. The vibe at work was kind of weird too, but I tried to not let it affect me, or at least affect my eating. Then a coworker had to take care of a sick kid, so I ended up doing my job and her job today. Kept me busy and out of trouble so I'm not complaining! OH and TMI but there was blood in my stool and I almost freaked out. I'm finally consistently doing well and NOW I have blood in my stool?! 

And now the part that really upset me today. One of my coworkers came up to me and said, "Hey Skinny!" I'm enough in a recovered mindset that this comment did not make me even the least bit happy. It made me kind of angry. Ed wants me to find my identity in thinness, so when people are also identifying by how thin/not thin I am, I get kind of pissed. I mean, what's she going to say when I'm healthy? I don't want to be identified by thinness because when I inevitably gain weight as I recover, I feel like I'm letting people down. Which is EXACTLY what Ed wants to happen. 

Oh haha, and you know when you're starting to regain your healthy status and your stomach is GINORMOUS?! Yes. I could probably pass as pregnant. Strangely, I'm okay with it. Yes, it sucks BUT at least it's a healthy baby right? :P Seriously though, I'm okay with it as long as I know it's a good thing and it means I'm taking care of my body. 

I'm thinking of making a post about what I eat in a day, especially now I'm on a vegan diet. Maybe I can dispel any worry I'm living off of celery and carrots. I really want to show you guys how diverse my vegan meal plan truly is!

"Triggers"

There was a comment left by an anon on a recent post of mine about how I caused him/her to relapse into their eating disorder after three months of no behaviors.

To that person, I'm sorry you relapsed. I know how scary it is to find yourself back in that place again where hope seems non-existent and everyday is a blur of behavior after behavior. But to be honest, I'm not the cause of your relapse. One thing I've learned from being in treatment and interacting with other girls with eating disorders, is that ANYTHING can be a trigger. In treatment and group therapy, there's rules and guidelines we follow to reduce the amount of triggers that may come up, but even then, you can still be triggered.


I'm very careful about what I write in my blog and what say in my YT videos. I'm not going to say my weight. I'm not going to focus focus focus on numbers because that would obviously be Ed talking if all I ever wrote about was numbers. I'm going to be real and honest about my struggles though because that's the kind of person I am. Maybe you shouldn't be reading ED blogs if you're in such a vulnerable place right now? Best wishes to you in your recovery.


To everyone else, I was thinking about triggers and here's the thing- no matter what, you're going to be triggered. People comment on my size and weight, and talk to each other about dieting, numbers, food, etc. I'm triggered everyday. It's smart to protect yourself from the triggers you can avoid, like certain friends, magazines, etc. But the truth is you will still be triggered sometimes. It's how you react to the trigger that matters. If you use behaviors in reaction to triggers, than yes you're going to relapse. If you use healthy coping mechanisms instead- talking about it with a friend, therapist, writing, walking, drawing etc.- you're going to be okay and stay out of "the danger zone." Does any of this make sense?

I guess what I'm saying is be aware of what you're triggers are, take precautions, but also have something set up in the event that you ARE triggered, so that you already have a plan and have another option other than leaning on you're eating disorder.

ProZac Withdrawals

I still haven't gotten a call from Walgreens saying my medication is ready for pick up. I went there yesterday but they said they were waiting for doctor authorization. I called my doctor and he said he had already done it and called it in. 

This would be no big deal if it was anything other than ProZac. I haven't taken any for a week now and I'm definitely feeling the effects. Racing thoughts. Insomnia. OCD is becoming debilitating. The desire to self harm.

It's making choosing recovery difficult. I'm still doing it- I don't want to go back now- but I feel as though I'm taking the "act opposite" skill they taught inpatient to a whole new level. I suppose I should feel proud of myself. I simply feel tired. 

Dietician Appointment

I was a bit nervous to see Viv today, since I haven't seen her in two weeks and she had no idea about my veganism. Her opinion greatly matters to me and I know someone in the middle of an eating disorder relapse saying they've gone vegan comes across as a red flag. I walked in ready to defend myself, and I think that automatically put Viv on edge.

I first had her read my food journal before I explained the change. I don't think we've ever had such an...interesting session before. Her reaction was confusing to me. She was a bit skeptical and still is I think, but she did acknowledge how it's been successful in reducing behaviors and increasing caloric intake. We were a bit...clashy?? Viv said herself she didn't know why she was so on edge about it all, but promised to think about it. She said she thinks it's because of how OCD and "rigid" I sounded.

She agreed it would be a good idea to do this for another week. I'm supposed to focus on my protein intake, since it isn't enough apparently. She brought out her calculator and did all this math to figure out how much protein, carbs, and fat I should be getting a day for my height/weight.

Protein: 70-80 grams
Fat: 65 grams
Carbohydrates: >200 grams

I thought I only needed 43 grams of protein! I'm glad I'm making this big dietary change with a dietician! I was also convinced I was having too much fat in my diet, so she asked me to show her in my food journal what I've eaten that has a good source of fat. Haha...kind of made a fool of myself. When it's just me, Ed is really good of convincing me I've had way too much fat, calories, you get it. Viv pointed out I was definitely not getting enough fat in my diet, and that's one reason why she thinks I ended up bingeing/purging Sunday (not to mention feeling emotionally down and being off my prozac for four days).

Today has been GREAT though! I'm feeling good and had a semi-productive day :) Thank you all for your comments and support. It's helped me SO SO MUCH!!!

Mourning Anorexic Me

Thank you so much for all your comments and insight! It's really helped me and given me some perspective. I've had a rough two days and I can't believe it but I actually ran out of my ProZac last week and FORGOT about it. No wonder my emotions have been everywhere the past two days! I'm getting a refill today so back to 60mg. I hate being on meds, to be honest. I wish I didn't have to rely on them, but they do help me function and that's what's important.

I know this sounds kind of lame, but I've actually been going through the mourning process of losing an anorexic body. Yes, I've only been eating very well the past week, but I've been trying to eat more in general the last month and as a result, I've gained five pounds. OKAY, I KNOW! Five pounds isn't exactly a lot, but it is when you're me or probably any eating disordered person. Bones don't stick out as much. There's a bit more "padding." I feel like a dinner table that's had it's extension pieces brought out so more people can fit around the table. 

I feel sad. I feel like I lost someone or something important to me. It's letting go of something that's been a part of my identity. In a way, I'm letting go of a part of me. Yes, it was a part of me that was like a limb infected, ridden with festering wounds. It's a part of me that NEEDED to be severed to protect to rest of me. 

But it doesn't make it any easier. I'm sure this feeling of loss will continue as I further my recovery...but I wasn't expecting to feel it so soon. 

Rethinking Veganism

I made a YouTube video yesterday, giving an update on how I've been and my new vegan diet. I KNEW I'd get mixed reactions, but I wasn't expecting how much they would affect me. In fact, I was quite troubled by the negative reactions. Some people said it was just another form of my eating disorder, another person mentioned orthorexia...

I do understand their concern and I'm thankful for everyone's honesty. It made me depressed though and feel like a failure. If this is just another form of my eating disorder, I'm still just as stuck as I was before my vegan diet. A feeling of hopelessness overcame me yesterday. I did end up purging twice in the matter of an hour, which added even more feelings of failure and shame.

After purging, I felt HORRIBLE. In the matter of a week, I have already forgotten how horrible you feel after purging.

You know what? I'm going to stick to my veganism till Easter like planned. Maybe they're right and this is another form of my eating disorder. But I'm not bingeing, not purging, not restricting, and eating regularly. That's got to count for something right? And like my therapist said, if there's any problems we need to deal with about my veganism, than we'll deal with them when we get there, but for now- she thinks this is great!

I think this is great too. I'm feeling so much better and I prefer this over what I was doing before.

Ya. Just thought I'd share :)

I'm a Socialite!

One thing I absolutely love about not being consumed by my eating disorder 24/7 is being social and ENJOYING IT (as opposed to dreading it!)

I went to coffee with Court, who is like my little sister. She moved away in August for school and it was so nice to catch up! She blew me away with how much she's matured, especially now being independent and on her own. 

Then I went to Trader Joe's and did some shopping. I'm such a dork but I love grocery stores, which I've mentioned before- especially health food stores! I could probably spend all day there browsing the aisles.

I dropped by Starbucks (I didn't have coffee when I was there with Court!) and got Mo and I drinks. I spent the afternoon at her apartment helping her go through her closet, choosing with clothes fit and don't fit anymore since she's been on some major (and much needed) weight restoration. I'm so proud of her because I know how difficult it is to try on clothes that now fit differently than they did before. Even though it was a bit stressful for her, we ended up having a good time and laughing a lot (about what, I can't really remember!). 

After I hung out with Mo, I had dinner with Courtney (different person then the Court previously mentioned!) and Andi at Courtney's house. Andi and I met Courtney in our group therapy and clicked, switched numbers and thought it would be fun to get together and make dinner. We ended up eating all vegan food from Trader Joe's which worked out for me. We ate tofu edamame nuggets, quinoa and veggies, and eggplant, and enjoyed a glass of Chardonnay. We ended up talking until really late. We all three have so much in common outside of our eating disorders, like our faith and interests, so it was so nice to connect on a variety of levels. 

I will say eating dinner was a bit of a challenge for me. I haven't had so much food at once, usually eating smaller amounts every two hours, and my stomach wasn't exactly ready for the challenge. However, I didn't want to be the only one who didn't finish and possibly make the other girls feel uncomfortable or triggered in any way. Definitely had some major stomach pain for hours after the meal! I hate the refeeding process. 

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Yesterday we had a baked potato potluck at work and I signed up to bring a dessert. I was going to try this really cool St. Pattys themed cupcake I saw on pinterest, but it didn't work out so I just did my own thing. I made chocolate cupcakes with yummy frosting. I melted green melting chocolates and made little shamrocks for decorations. They turned out so cute! Not as professional as my mom's baking but they looked cute enough ;)

They were a hit! 

Day 5- Holding On

Today is Day 5 of no behaviors and my vegan diet. Yesterday was almost overly successful in the sense that I ate much more than planned. I actually ate a normal amount of calories. Part of me is so scared of this- I knew increasing my caloric intake was a natural step in recovery but it feels as though it's happening too fast. I want to slow it down, go back down to the amount of calories I was having five days ago which is more than half what I'm having now. What's frustrating though is my body WANTS a normal amount of calories. I don't think I can go back now without risking returning to behaviors. 

Another added component is a couple very close friends are really struggling right now. One of them has been sick this past week and though she's been earnestly seeking recovery, her stomach hasn't been able to handle food because of sickness. Yesterday she weighed herself and was, for the first time, her initial goal weight she was aiming for in the middle of her eating disorder. Of course, she has mixed emotions about it. So do I. There's the Ed part of me yearning to lose weight, especially hearing about my friends weight-loss.

But I refuse to let my eating disorder take my successes and vegan diet, and use them against me. I'm proud of how well I've done this week. I'm happy. I have energy. I'm finally eating foods I would have never dreamed of keeping down and using them to nourish my body. I don't want Ed to take my veganism and use it as an excuse to restrict. I won't restrict. I want health.

So fuck off Ed. Leave me alone. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to be free. I'm scared of the uncertainty of the future, but living in the shadow of an eating disorder isn't living at all, it's simply existing. 

God, please help me hold onto this conviction. 

Three Days

...is how long I've been completely behavior free! No bingeing, no purging, no restricting, eating every two hours, and vegan. I haven't gone this long behavior-free since inpatient, where I was practically forced into being behavior-free. This time I'm doing it on my own and it's my choice. I honestly didn't think it was possible. Three days might not really seem that long to some people but for me, it's the difference between a year and a century.

However, as my lovely gay friend says, "It's not all rainbows and men." There's been triggers the past few days when I was tempted to have behaviors. Yesterday at work there was even MORE drama and it was horrible. I ended up crying all morning and I simply couldn't stop, it was embarrassing! I shared my life story in group last night and that was...I don't know. I felt very disconnected. It was nice to get good feedback though. Someone in group said I had this light in my eyes. I've been told by so many people when I'm in the midst of my eating disorder, that a light I used to have in my eyes is completely gone. To hear someone can see that light again gave me hope!

I've also had urges to act on behaviors because of how I physically feel when I eat. I've been upping my calories every day but I felt so ravenous between my afternoon snack and dinner...sooo I had a larabar and a serving of wheat thins. I felt GUILTY for having food outside of what I had already planned and going over my calorie goal for the day. It was the first time I really really had to fight the urge to binge/purge. I texted my therapist a friend for support and worked my ass off at work and the feelings didn't necessarily go away, but they calmed down enough to where I was okay. Probably had more like x calories which freaks me out so I'm not actually going to count. I know it needs to keep going up until...I don't know, a healthy place. I guess I'll have to ask my dietician where I should be calorie-wise. I know I FEEL like what I'm having now is more than enough, but rationally I know I'm probably not the best judge where calories are concerned.

I came home and was so hungry. Seriously! Why am I hungry ALL THE TIME all of a sudden?! I ate more than I planned AGAIN. I had my planned bowl of raw veggies, black bean soup, and chocolate soy milk. But then my mom made baked sweet potatoes and I ended up eating a whole sweet potato with a bit of blackstrap molasses on it. That's when the feeling of fullness hit HARD. I just wanted to purge so badly, I didn't trust myself enough to take a bath even though I needed one. I still feel full and didn't eat the apple I planned, but I'm okay. I've got you wonderful people and friends for support.

Being vegan is really working out for me! Yay! Except...I feel enormous guilt over having honey in my diet still. I feel like I have to give honey up too because I need to fit inside the box, the boundaries of veganism because then I'll be safe. Safe from what? I don't know. My eating disorder. My anxiety. Whatever "it" is, I recognize this as a potential pitfall and an eating disordered thought. SO I'm still having a trail mix bar tomorrow with honey in it, even though it feels "unsafe."

All your comments on how this might be another form of my eating disorder did make me think. It might be. All I know is my eating disorder wasn't allowing me to have most foods, even safe foods. Going back to a normal diet where all foods are safe seems too overwhelming. Veganism expands my "safe foods" list and to be honest, it's what I need right now to be okay with eating what's on that list. I will probably expand that list even more after Easter by switching to vegetarianism, and maybe I'll eventually start having meat again. But thank you...your concern didn't fall on deaf ears.

Veganism

Finally I can tell you beautiful people I'm doing great! I've eaten throughout the day, a decent amount, and kept everything. I haven't purged once. I think I've found what works for me and I'm really excited about this new journey of health I've just begun!

For the past month, I've been considering becoming a vegan. I've never liked meat, rarely eat it, and the only animal product I have on a regular basis is yogurt. Ironically, the only thing that's been holding me back IS my eating disorder. It's hard to explain, but just know choosing veganism is not something fueled by my eating disorder, but rather my desire to take care of my body.

I feel good about myself when I eat something I know is treating my body with kindness and nourishing it. For instance, having nuts and seeds with dried apricots freaks my eating disorder out because of the calorie density and high fat content of the nuts. In fact, VEGGIES and FRUIT freak my ED out because they make me feel full. I hardly ever keep veggies down! But I know it's nutritionally beneficial. Once I decided I'm going to fully dedicate myself to veganism, it's like I gave myself permission to eat again, because it FEELS healthy.

I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong or right. Maybe it is eating disordered. But I'm actually eating, not purging, and for once, I'm not worried about the scale or losing weight. I'm completely focused on feeding my body the nutrients it desires with the best foods possible. Once I've been consistently eating and not purging, I'm going to start working out again. I'm EXCITED. I feel like I found the loophole of getting out of this eating disorder and have hope this might actually work!

I'm dedicating myself to veganism until Easter as a trial period. I'm not doing veganism for ethical reasons, but rather for dietary reasons and as a step towards health. I might stay with veganism, or I might expand my diet again back to yogurts and some seafoods. I'm not doing it for the label. I'm doing it for health. The label just helps me get out of the eating disorder label and back into something less self-destructive. The label gives me permission to eat, if that makes sense. It's what I need, if only temporarily.

Take Me To The Elves

I woke up this morning feeling like the scum of the earth. I have so many medical bills and no money to pay them. I have someone mad at me at work and I'm not entirely innocent. I did make a mistake and I will apologize. I've run out of meds and haven't gotten more. My room is a mess. I've eaten all the food I bought YESTERDAY for this week. I'm sadly USED to purging multiple times a day, as in I don't even feel guilty about it anymore. It's just..."normal." I literally feel and believe I weigh what I did when I was my heaviest. Logically I know it's over forty pounds more than I weigh right now, but I swear my scale is wrong.

Everything feels so out of control. Too much. I can't handle it. I don't know how. I hate that I've turned to food to soothe my anxiety, instead of turning away from it. I know that sounds messed up, but there's so much shame in eating, yet I crave it.

I cut today too. I've been wanting to cut for a long time but have been fighting the urge. Today the overwhelming amount of self-hatred seemed too much to handle.

 How am I going to face tomorrow? How am I going to handle the inevitable confrontation waiting for me at work?

You know that part in Lord of the Rings where Frodo has been stabbed by one of the Nazgul and was turning into one of them? The elven princess, Arwen, rushes him to Rivendell and they're able to heal him. He wakes up in this beautiful place, full of light. It's so peaceful and all the pain and worries seem to be distant, just a memory.

Yes, I'm a complete dork, but when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I find myself replaying that scene in my head and imagining it's me waking up in an elven city. Wouldn't that be lovely?

How My Ed Works

You know when you have so much going on inside, explaining it seems overwhelming and like it would take too much effort? That's been my life lately. I had a good therapy session with Monique yesterday and I came to realize a few things about myself and my eating disorder.

My dietician Viv worked with me for a long time on learning how to treat myself with kindness after I've abused it so atrociously. For instance, after I binge and purge, she taught me how to separate myself from my body and think of it as someone else. That person is hurting and needs help. So I treat my body with kindness by feeding it something, though small, and rehydrating. Sometimes I take a bath or paint my nails. It took me a good year and a half to learn how to do this consistently, but now I'm pretty good at it.

Maybe too good. In fact, I think I've taken it to an extreme, as we eating disordered, black and white people tend to do. Now I can't eat unless I've abused my body first. I have to hurt myself in order to dissociate from myself and make it OKAY to eat something.

This translates into me bingeing and purging several times before I can allow myself to keep anything. I realize afterwards that it would of be better to my body to simply cut out all the bingeing and purging and just eat what I know my body wants. But I can't. Because if I do that, then I can't keep the food. I'm not allowed to...

Messed up and eating disordered thinking? I'd say yes. It explains why, as I've been trying to increase my food intake, my purging as increased as well. I learned something new about how my eating disorder operates but I don't really know what to do with this information.

Detached

Well my dear friends, I have been quite distant lately, not only online as Ragan. I've been isolating because, well, it's easier. It's difficult to explain the place I'm at right now. You guys remember when I went inpatient, it was the same day I was supposed to go with my family to California. My dad was supposed to speak and we were going to Disneyland too. But he cancelled this engagement, the entire trip, because of me. I'm feeling deja vu because he was asked to speak at another conference and there's yet again, plans to go to Disneyland. I really don't want to mess this up again. I really don't want to be too unwell to go again and ruin it for everyone. I have a lot of guilt because of last time and now I get a second chance to make it right.

It's embarrassing to say, but it's the biggest motivator for my recovery. I really only have external motivators for recovery and no internal ones. I want to get better for everyone else, so they'll stop worrying. But why don't I want to get better for me? It's frustrating. How do I change that? I WANT to want to get better for me, but the fact is my feelings don't align with what my mind says I should be feeling and thinking.

Prozac hasn't been seeming to help at all either. My team thinks it's because my weight is too low, since it's been proven to not be affective on those who are too underweight. The best way to describe how I've been feeling is detached. I have a difficult time connecting or really caring about what's going on around me. My ups are brief and barely existent, while I practically live in the lows. So I'm being weened off of my anti-depressants and we'll see what happens after that.

Other than that? I'm still caught in that binge cycle. I am purging frequently but keeping a lot more food down as well. As a result, my weight has gone up and strangely enough, I'm okay with it. Mostly because I know I can't be the weight I'm at now and go on our trip. Yes, I'm doing it mostly for other people, but for now, maybe that's what I need. Maybe wanting it for me will come later?? I sure hope so.

No Longer Mac-less :)

I left my computer at my therapist's office on Wednesday, on accident I might add. I finally had a chance to meet up with her today to get my laptop back, and subsequently, my social life. Sad but true. Major update needed? I'd say yes.

I've been sick the past few days with an incredibly sore throat and drippy nose. Daily behaviors aka purging I'm sure doesn't help the matter. I've been unable to refrain from purging completely, but I have decreased the frequency and increased my calorie intake. Add in the fact I've been drinking emergen-c, airborne, and theraflu AND taking extra vitamins- I'm feeling much better! 

Not feeling so good about body image. I know because of my increased calorie intake and generally how my body FEELS, my weight has gone up. I haven't stepped on the scale for days and I'm not so sure it would be a good idea when my recovery is in such a fragile state. Yes, things are improving but I definitely don't need anything to happen that might set me back! 

Today was a lazy saturday. On my way to pick up my laptop, I dropped by Huckleberries, which is like Trader Joe's. Pretty much, it's a grocery store for health nuts, vegans, and organic people. I was only there to get one thing, but left with $50 worth of groceries. I'm not vegan (because I love yogurt and cheese), and I'm not really vegetarian (I like shrimp and chicken doesn't bother me too much), but I feel so much better about my body when I'm eating foods that aren't processed. I don't like all the added chemicals and crap that's in most our food. I'm actually proud of myself for walking out with so many groceries because it means I'm choosing to eat. I don't know how to explain that better but I wouldn't of gotten the food I did if I was planning on restricting. Part of me really wants to restrict too. Especially when I'm feeling...large. 

My groceries: dried apricots, dried prunes, soy nuts, local raw honey, fresh almond butter, unsweetened almond milk, flax oatmeal, crisp bread, thai rice noodle soup, hot chocolate, greek yogurt

Of course, I felt anxiety from purchasing so much food, so I sat in my car for an hour taking an inventory of everything I bought and the amount of calories per serving. I also figured out how this food was going to fit into my meal plan for the next few days, which calmed me down a bit.

HAHA ok, so this man at the store walked up to me and said,"You look like a ballerina! You have such nice long legs, strong legs." I'm not sure what to make of such a random compliment, and whether to be flattered or offended.

SIDE NOTE: I've gotten terrible night sweats the past few nights! It makes sense, because I remember this happening in treatment when my calorie intake was increased. It has something to do with the metabolism speeding up so I suppose it's a good sign but can I just say I find waking up in the middle of the night DRENCHED in sweat annoying?!!