At the same time, I want to be healthy and fit. I want to radiate. I want to be at peace with my body instead of always fighting with it.
I think I'll be okay. Just got to keep trekking along and focus on the picture in my mind of the healthy, happy, radiant me :)
Rissa and her long time boyfriend broke up this past week so she really wanted to have a girls getaway weekend. We got a room at this cute boutique hotel downtown :) We went to dinner at this place called The Catacombs. Finding something on the menu that was vegan was practically impossible. Everything had either meat, cheese, or both. I ended up getting this cucumber tomato salad with kalamata olives, hold the feta, with some bread on the side for a bit more sustenance. I also ended up eating the crusts from Rissa's pizzas which felt a tad glutenous but maybe that's just the eating disorder talking.
We're such old ladies at heart, we turned in for the night after dinner. Ended up watching The Wedding Planner and Monster-In-Law on the teli and drank wine. Rissa had this idea we were going to drink two entire bottles of wine between the two of us in addition to the drink (plural for Rissa) we had with dinner. She was so funny nagging me to finish my wine so she could give me more. I'm not a crazy drinker and I barely drink a glass at a time. I'm not someone who likes drinking a lot- one glass is just find with me and I'll sip on it for the entire night. I don't get why it bothers the friends I hang out with that I only drink one glass, in comparison to their two or three or more glasses of alcohol.
Rissa is already asleep! I think it was the wine. She was hiccuping and everything haha. Reminds me of the disney movie Sleeping Beauty, when the mandolin player kept sneaking drinks while the two kings fought and ended up drunk, hiccuping and asleep under the table.
I'm just chilling in the lobby of the hotel on my computer, thinking. Thinking about the future, thinking about whether or not I am going to choose health over Ed. The more I think about it, the more I want health. I'm slightly jealous of my friends who are giving into their eds...but I know it's not worth it. The price is too high and I'm not willing to pay with my life.
Drunk girls are walking through the lobby in their sequined, too tight, too short dresses and mini skirts. I'm glad I'm staying here and not going out like them.
It's so definitely NOT worth it <3
ReplyDeleteOne day, when your life is back on track and you're getting everything you SHOULD be getting/experiencing, you'll be glad you found the strength to abandon your EDs for your health, the courage to choose life over death.
I'll pray for your friends, too.
I think the up and down feelings are normal. I experience those too. I think the tricky part of ED is....when we are experiencing a good part of recovery, it tricks us back to it, it throws us wrenches, makes it harder. That is when we need to use our healthy coping skills and recovery tools. Use the reminders you mentioned about wanting "to be healthy, fit, to radiate". Keep reminding yourself of this, focus on these. They are not compatable with an ED. You can do this. Stay strong. You are doing wonderful and have made so much progress. Proud of you. We can do this!
ReplyDelete"The price is too high and I'm not willing to pay with my life."
ReplyDeletePREACH.
I think during those time you just really have to evaluate which is more important, losing weight and feeling small or "I want to be healthy and fit. I want to radiate. I want to be at peace with my body instead of always fighting with it."
ReplyDeleteI know it gets really frustrating wanting two things, but not being able to have both. Some of my friends are struggling a lot like yours. When I feel like I really want what they have, I force myself to think about eveything else that I DO NOT want that will come with it. I think about everything I have to sacrifice just to be thin. Its not worth it, you're right. Its hard, and I wish there was some way to get over it, but for now we just have to keep telling ourselves what we truely want in like and how we are going to get there. You can do it, keep your head up! <3