Ed Mode VS. Me Mode

Hello Hello, I'm currently at work on my lunch break and blogging in the attempt of saving myself from a binge/purge episode. Nothing like pulling out the distraction skill to curb the desire to numb.

I actually have been doing better the last week behavior-wise, but Sarah told me she doesn't think I'm really doing any better. Thanks for raining on my parade! Sarah also said she doesn't know how to explain it, but I sound different when I talk...more in my eating disorder.

O_o Okay, that got my attention. Because truth is, I do feel different inside. Something made that "switch" again into ED mode. I thought I was hiding it. I've been watching what I say and trying to be louder than the eating disorder voice, or at least keep it quiet until I'm alone with it. It took me by surprise when she noticed and I know she right. The scary thing is I don't know how to make the switch back from Ed mode to Me mode. How did I do it before?

That also lead me think about how I'm really doing. Am I doing as well as I think I am? I am notorious for fooling myself and my treatment team into thinking I'm doing better than I am. I can't outright lie so convincing myself that something is true is essential if I'm going to blindside my team.

So. Where do I go from here? Oh, I have so much more to write about- especially new boundaries with food my mom made with me. But my 30 min lunch is about over so I better wrap up. I would love nothing more than to sit here and blog, sharing my thoughts and feelings with you lovely people and maybe sort out what's going on inside my head.

Love to you all. I read your blogs, even when it seems I'm absent from blog/vlog community.

Coffee Time Contemplations

I love chill weekends like this one! And I LOVE when I can enjoy the weekend without being completely engrossed on my eating disorder. Purging has improved a bit over the past week, though I wish it was nonexistent in my life. I think the biggest improvement has been in the amount of food I've been eating and keeping. I can see it reflected in my energy level and how I generally feel. 

At the same time, a part of me is upset that I find food so pleasurable. 

Right now, I'm just chilling at Starbucks, drinking my americano and reading blogs. I ended up talking to this middle-aged couple for the past hour and it was such a fascinating discussion. We talked about sex-trafficking, communism, how thinness doesn't equate healthy, holistic lifestyles...It was stimulating and we could have talked for so much longer, but they had to leave. We're going to try to meet up again next Sunday which would be so lovely! They're such nice people and I really enjoyed the interaction.

I thought I might write more, but right now I'm feeling quite contemplative, going over all the things we talked about. So till next time my loves!

A Good Start to the Weekend ;)

Yesterday was actually a not-so-bad day :) I kept accountable every hour to my friend's Andi and Sarah about eating/purging. I started the morning off with breakfast which I haven't really properly done in ages. First I had toast with peanut butter and honey and a yogurt. Here's the problem though: When I start eating, I find it so difficult to stop. It's either eat nothing or eat a lot and purge. I felt so hungry and ended up having another slice of toast with PB and honey and a banana. I couldn't believe myself! I didn't want to start the day off purging though, like I have been lately. I felt so full throughout the entire day, that I didn't really eat much during work.

Problem #2: It was about 5pm and I'm covering for a girl at work who is on a cruise for the next two weeks. She's "the late person" and so I end up being alone at work for the last hour. Surrounded by food. I ended up eating a larabar (nuts and fruit) and couldn't stop again, ended up eating some Reese's buttercups and purging. Yes, I was disappointed I ended up purging, but my goal is 0-1 times/day which is much better than 4-7 times/day.

Shock Moment: (WARNING: TMI) When I purged, I was like...is that broccoli? WHEN THE HECK DID I HAVE BROCCOLI?! It took me a bit, but I eventually remembered my mom had broccoli with her dinner and I had a few pieces she didn't eat. But that was 24 hours ago. I'm pretty sure it wasn't supposed to be in my stomach after 24 hours, right?

I ended up going to Andi's house and we made dinner, well, what was safe for both of us. We had lemon pepper tilapia and brussels sprouts. She had a bottle of red wine we could absolutely not open which was actually quite funny because it took us forever. We had a glass while talking about life and eventually watched Ever After. It was a nice way to spend the evening with my best friend. I love you Andi!

Satisfied

There was actually a few things on mind I wanted to write about but I'm so engrossed in experiencing this feeling I haven't felt in...well, too long.

Satisfied.

I've come to the point (and no, I'm not ready to accept I've relapsed!) where keeping any food down is a challenge/rare occasion. After an extremely stressful and behavior-filled day at work, I came home and was just so WEARY of purging. I feel so tired of fighting the desire to eat everything in sight, giving into that desire eventually, and getting rid of it soon after.


There are permanent red dry spots at the corners of my mouth. My mouth is ripped up and sores cover every surface inside of my mouth. I can barely swallow, my throat hurts that bad. I'm always cold. My fingers are always purple. I'm growing a beard of lanugo, a fine white layer of hair, on my face. My skin is blotchy, breaking out and ill looking. My knees give out and I cover it up by acting like I'm a silly clumsy girl. Shaky. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating. Sometimes I feel like there are weights tied to my body. I pass out randomly. Most likely smell of vomit. 
(^glamorous, huh?)

I hope you're catching on to where I'm going with this- EATING DISORDERS SUCK. It would ALMOST be worth it if I felt thin. That was the deal, right? Ed said,"Yeah, you might have some of this not-so-fun stuff, but you'll feel thin so obviously it's worth it!" Ed doesn't keep his word and his trades are bullshit. I never feel thin AND I feel like crap all the time.

Coming back to feeling satisfied- I came home and was like, FUCK YOU ED. FUCK YOU EATING DISORDER. I made a plan for tomorrow. I set up accountability so maybe, just maybe I can have one purge free day which is all I'm asking for at the moment. I ate dinner and albeit, I didn't keep it the first time around. But round two I kept it! I don't know why I didn't keep it the first time considering what I chose to ate was much healthier and balanced. Round two I had two pieces of (weight watchers recipe) banana bread with yogurt butter, an apple, a few veggies, and hot chocolate (ok, yes DIET hot chocolate but I put 1 TB of caramel brûlée cream in it so bonus points for me!).

I feel satisfied and I'm kind of in awe of this feeling. I'm actually excited to fall asleep now feeling satisfied. I won't be waking up in the middle of the night from hunger pains. My body is like, "FINALLY this bitch isn't treating me like shit and actually taking care of me."

Okay, sorry for all the language but when I'm feeling a lot, especially concerning my eating disorder, using dramatic and offensive language seems to come naturally.

Night everyone! I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY!

INCED Event

Sorry I haven't really been around lately. It's mostly because I've been feeling down and have been avoiding pretty much everyone. Being unable to sleep hasn't helped things. I ran out of seraqol a week ago and I thought, hey I'll just take ambien since I have some lying around. For some reason, ambien doesn't work for me anymore! I've barely gotten a couple hours a sleep per night since last week, and not even a solid couple hours- half an hour of sleep, two hours awake, fifteen minutes of sleep, an hour awake and so on. I FINALLY got my seraqol refilled yesterday and picked the WRONG night to start taking it again. I had the early shift and was supposed to get up at 4am but I slept through my alarm and my mom woke me up at 5am. I felt groggy all morning. Apparently my body is not liking me for the abrupt halt and reintroduction of my nighttime meds.

I got off work at about 2pm and so I spent my good old time getting ready for an INCED event (the american equivalent of the UK's BEAT program for Eds). The event didn't begin till 6pm so I thought I'd hang out in the coffee shop across the street, which ended up being miserable because I was completely bored, stared at the wall, and eventually binged and attempted to purge a huge ass cinnamon roll. The whole afternoon was a fail.

The INCED event was actually quite nice! It was at this theater called The Magic Lantern, known for showing foreign and indie films. There were for horde'oeuvres  and drinks before watching America the Beautiful II: The Thin Commandments. It's a documentary on the whole dieting industry and America's obsession with weight. Afterwards, there was a panel of therapists, doctors, dietitians, a recovered ED girl, and her grandma (caretaker).

I was anxious all day about this event. Actually, it's probably why I binged and purged (FAIL) right before, not that I'm excusing my poor choice. I was going to be around other women, other EATING DISORDERED women, and professionals who deal with eating disorders. I felt intimidated by these other women and their silent opinions of my appearance. Do I look fat? Thin? Are they thinking there's no way I have an eating disorder? To sum up the thoughts running through my head: INSECURITY.

Andi was there which was a comfort, though she worries about me too much. She needs to not worry about me and focus on her own health (yes, Andi it's true!). There was this girl there named Katie who I had seen briefly at group therapy, but we're in different groups. She was sitting all alone in her university sweats and sweatshirt, obviously not dressed for the event and obviously not caring. I ended up sitting by her and we ended up having a nice chat. I wish I would have asked for her number so we could text and hang out sometime, but I suppose I can ask for it at the next group. If she wants to talk to me (see! insecurity again!).

I had a few glasses of wine and, against every fiber in my being and feeling like I was being judged, had a bit to eat, mostly veggies. I wasn't planning to but my stomach was raw and two glasses of wine on a raw semi-empty stomach is definitely not nice. So I thought, fuck you eating disordered people! See, I don't have a problem! I'm completely normal, here to support the cause!

Which leads me to the general feeling I've had the past few days: DENIAL. I'm having a difficult time admitting even to myself that I have a problem, which is so unlike me because I'm usually the first to be honest and say hey, I'm not perfect and I have problems. I think I'm just sick of having this particular problem. I should be "over it" by now, right? I mean, that's what's going through people's heads. I was supposed to snap out of it months ago when I came home "recovered" from treatment. People don't have patience when you don't get better within the time they deem is appropriate for addressing the problem.

Anyone else in a similar place???

Answering Questions :)

Do you ever just sit down and watch TV without any other distractions? Or am I the only one who DOESN'T do this? I can't seem to ever just say "I'm going to watch TV" and ONLY watch TV - I'm always on the computer/iPod, or doing homework at the same time.

I can never sit and watch something without moving around or doing something else simultaneously. It drives my brother mad! He wants my full attention to be on the movie but I get so restless. I think its common among eating disordered people though. It was so funny inpatient when we would try to watch a movie. We never could make it through one and we were all doing other things while watching so in the end, only one or two people were actually still watching the movie.

I have EDNOS. Why is EDNOS not as "out there" and common like anorexia and bulimia? U know what I'm saying?

I think EDNOS is probably more common than anorexia and bulimia. It just means the person doesn't strictly meet all the requirements for an anorexia or bulimia diagnosis. Most ED professionals find these "must-meet-requirements-rule" ridiculous and thankfully, things are starting to change. For instance, to be diagnosed as anorexic, one of the required symptoms was loss of a period. If you met every single other symptom but still had your period, even severely underweight, than you were diagnosed as EDNOS instead of anorexia. That specific req. symptom for diagnosis has changed, so I feel like we're heading in the right direction. Another example: I wasn't diagnosed as Bulimic because my binges were only a few hundred calories, and not thousands. Therefore, I was diagnosed as the purging subtype of Anorexia. Confusing, huh?

Are you a clumsy person?

I run into things and trip a lot, so I suppose I am. It's mostly because my mind in somewhere else more important than walking around a pole. Of course, after I run into the pole, whatever I'm thinking about becomes less important ;)

In my opinion, people who evaluate how "sick" you are based on your weight, BMI (wink!), treatment history, DSM diagnosis, etc. do NOT understand the illness or have experience in that area. thoughts? any good comparisons about this to a physical illness?

If you're speaking about professionals who use those things to evaluate how sick you are- YES, I don't think they get it at all. If an eating disordered person is comparing and evaluating how sick other ED girls are based on BMI, weight, treatment history, etc., that's wrong too. That's the eating disorder talking 100%

What kind of food do you eat in recovery on a daily basis? What about before recovery?

I LOVE toast with butter and jam! I have it every morning! I also love a baked sweet potato with butter and brown sugar, and cottage cheese with pita chips. Those are foods I'd never allow myself when I was in my eating disorder. Before recovery, I'd eat apples, egg whites, and LOTS of coffee and diet coke. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Kind of depressing to think about actually.

Honesty Time

I wish I could write about how awesome I've been doing and how I'm in recovery and it's a beautiful thing. I wish I wouldn't let people down.

This weekend didn't go so well. I didn't enjoy any part of it, and my eating disorder ran rampant. It's to the point now where keeping anything down is a challenge. How did I get here again? I'm supposed to be living my life FREE of this disease.

I just want to curl into a ball and have someone stroke my hair and cuddle. I want to be told everything will be okay.

I think actually FEELING things on Thursday really freaked me out, because I've completely numbed myself ever since. If I begin feeling something at any moment, I'll use behaviors to numb out. Why is feeling things so scary??

Restless

I am so restless and bored today! I start doing something like reading or watching a book, and I get bored. I can't sit still and nothing is keeping my interest for very long. I really dislike times like these. Might do my nails or something...:/

Grocery Stores

It's the weekend again! I ran out of my seroquel meds so last night I took ambien instead. My body didn't like this change apparently, because I slept four hours and woke up at 2am wide awake. Other than a rough night, I'm doing good. I cleaned the kitchen this morning, replied to some messages, and cleaned up my room. I'm planning on going on a walk later too, though I'm feeling pretty lazy right now.

I'm supposed to go to the store in a bit too. I need some things and my mom has a list for me too. It's weird. I love going to the grocery store. I love surrounding myself with food, reading labels, looking at the rows and rows of different brands of the same product. I like seeing all the other people at the grocery store because I feel like I'm less alone in my obsession. Inside I'm thinking, "Look! We have something in common! You're thinking about food right now too!"

I keep seeing women who are obviously struggling with an eating disorder. No, I'm not making assumptions based on their size. It's like people with eating disorders have this built in radar and can sense when another ED person is nearby. Our eyes meet and there's this unspoken understanding. We're fascinated by each other while at the same time a little uncomfortable that even though nothing is said aloud, someone else knows your secret and you know theres. 

At least that's my take on it. 

Day One of "The Plan"

I'm okay! I did feel quite funny and I think it might have been the whole blood sugar spiking and then crashing thing. I seem to not do well with the sudden onslaught of food in my system when I've been depriving it of anything nutritionally substantial. I also drank a huge glass of gatorade, considering I was also dehydrated from purging so often. 

I emailed my therapist last night, as was planned, my meal plan. For the next seven days I'm supposed to email her my meal plans and text her every time I eat something, whether it went well or not. I actually learned a good deal.

1. I freak out when I have food that was NOT planned beforehand. But I was able to sit with it and be okay.

2. I realized I really do use food and purging as a means to deal with my feelings and numb out. Those negative thoughts and anxiety were much stronger when I was abstaining from purging. I kind of heard this was the truth but never really believed it applied to me until today. 

I kept eating unplanned things, because I felt extremely hungry, which was frustrating because it made me angry with myself. STICK TO THE PLAN. I think the scariest part was, I started to feel normal. Why do I envy normalcy but fear it at the same time? I honestly don't know. I've found myself exploring my emotions this week and the more I've looked into how I feel, the more I realize I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions. It's confusing. It's even more confusing to attempt explaining it to my treatment team. I feel like I'm trying to unravel a terribly knotted ball of yarn. 

Strangely, I don't think I'm more productive at work when I'm not using behaviors to cope. You'd think it'd be the opposite, but I somehow manage to fit in little binge and purge episodes in between getting work done, and STILL get the same amount done. huh...that can't last too long though, can it? I mean, it'll catch up to me eventually.

I was feeling so POSITIVE and like I can do this! I was like, I'm going to not purge for the next seven days, I'm not going to weigh myself, I'm going to stick to my meal plan...very ambitious.

And then the poop hit the fan. I came home to a messy house and messy kitchen which somehow raised my anxiety level ten notches. My brother was a little brat while simultaneously invading my space and not listening to a word when I said STAY OUT OF MY BUBBLE! I ate my planned dinner. Felt too much. And I "made everything better." What I mean to say is, I made all those bad emotions go away. I numbed out. I ate more. Purged. I felt better. I hate to say it, but I felt better.

Better and hopeless. How am I going to escape this cycle? There's so many feelings, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to face these feelings every day. It just seems like TOO MUCH. 

Feeling Odd

Right now, I can't tell if I'm having a panic attack, or if something is really wrong with me. I feel like I can't breathe. So, I'm attempting to distract myself by blogging and if that fails, I'll go get one of my parents. It wouldn't surprise me if I was having a panic attack. At the same time, I also wouldn't be surprised if something is wrong with me. Both are plausible considering my current physical and mental state. 

The past four days have been a series of binges and purges, at least four times a day. Thankfully, I managed to keep dinner last night and dinner tonight, but I'm sure it's not good on my body. Inevitably, the number on the scale has gone up, which hasn't really encouraged me to eat normally. I tend to panic and restrict, which then sets me up for a binge. Go figure. 

I'm feeling funny. I hope it's the effect of food on my body when I've been denying it the proper nutrition. I hope it's my body saying,"YES! Finally you've given me something to work with!"

I'm going downstairs where my family is at present. If it's a panic attack, it'll calm me down. If it's more, at least someone will know.

Team Meeting

I had a team meeting early this morning with my dietician (Viv,) therapist (Monique), and PCP (Dr.White). For most of the meeting I felt confused. I felt like we were going around in circles. They kept turning questions back onto me and I struggled to convey the mixed emotions and thoughts I've been having lately. The main goal of this get together was that treatment the way it is now isn't working and something needs to change. 

I have an idea of where I want to go in life and what I want to do. However, there's this big gap between where I want to be and where I am. I don't know how to breach that gap...one of the biggest things that's going to need to change is my weight. Weight restoration is necessary for recovery and also for further therapy. My mind isn't given the proper nutrition to really make strides in therapy. What became clear to everyone though is I'm not willing and/or unable to restore weight on my own. They all think it's necessary I go to some kind of more intense outpatient, residential, or inpatient treatment. The biggest question is what will my insurance cover. 

I told my team I really want to do this at home and not have to leave my city and job for more treatment. Not only is it an insurance and money issue, it's my desire to stay out of IOP. I don't know if we really came to any solid conclusions concerning what exactly the future holds for me, but we did come up with some concrete goals and things I can do at present.

1. Get back to Dr.White about what's really going on in my head and what the voices are saying when I'm alone, so he can see if he can do anything with my medication.

2. Starting Thursday for seven days, planning when and what I'm going to eat ahead of time and emailing Monique the plan. After I eat, I'll text Monique, even if it's to say I didn't eat or purged. 

3. I'll start seeing Viv twice a week and most likely, Monique twice a week as well.

4. Look into treatment options and if I can take medical leave, most likely in March sometimes. See what my insurance covers where, and find out what (if anything) can work.

Ugh. I'm surprised I didn't put up more of a fight about more intensive treatment. Maybe because it seems like a distant and unlikely thing. They've been talking about it for months, since November, and nothing has come of it so I'm not too worried. At least not yet. 

Can I really start eating though? And keeping it? Can I really do this whole weight gain thing without more intensive treatment? I want to say yes. I want to believe in myself. But when it comes down to it and  words have to turn into actions, I'm not really sure I'm willing. That scares me. Where do I go from here??

Valentines Day

Today would have been my brother Tyler's 20th birthday. I miss him. I wish we could go to Borders Bookstore and split a cheese filled asiago pretzel. He'd get his root beer and I'd get my irish cream nonfat latte with whip cream. He'd read his huge computer animation programming books and I'd flip through books in my stack containing a plethora of genres, from fantasy to biographical. We'd chat in between about whatever came to mind and exchange sarcastic, witty humor whenever we could squeeze it into the conversation.

Now both Tyler and, fittingly, Borders are gone. What a bittersweet day. I selfishly want my brother back here, if only for a bit. I need his understanding, his non-judgmental but honest opinion. I need his hugs. I need the look in his eyes that told me he believed in me and loved me. 

Up and Down

This weekend has had its ups and downs...Yesterday was a definite UP. I was incredibly lazy and enjoyed it. Went on a walk, got pampered at the salon and got my hair trimmed and recolored my signature red/purple. I read books for the rest of the day and in the evening, I put together Valentines day goodie bags for people at work. Last year, I had to go back to the store multiple times to buy more chocolates because I kept bingeing/purging on them. This time, I was able to be ALONE in the house, put together the goodie bags, and NOT binge on them! YAY ME! Oh, and I did my nails yesterday haha

Now TODAY was definitely a downer. Of course, the day I decide to make a YouTube video about bingeing, I end up bingeing AND purging four times. And ironically, I should have taken my own advice I shared in my vid because I set myself up by restricting. It's so easy to see the truth, but much more difficult to LIVE it. 

Despite not having a great day food wise, I'm actually staying positive because I HAVE had some pretty significant victories this week. So ED, leave me alone why don't ya?! 

The Invisible Line

I overate tonight. For so long, my automatic response to overeating was to purge. No second thoughts, not even a moments pause. It seems almost natural. There's an invisible line I come to when I'm eating food. Eating one more bite of something might push me over that line and then purging is an automatic response. There's no doubt in my mind that purging must follow if the line is crossed.

I won't bother you all with the list of what I ate. I felt okay with everything I consumed until I had something I was craving- that damn bagel again with cream cheese and strawberry jam. I let myself have what I was craving, even though I had eaten enough already which threw me into dangerous territory. After I ate my bagel, I wanted another one but I KNEW I'd be crossing that invisible line and would "have" to purge if I had another bagel. 

I couldn't stop thinking about it, the temptation was almost too much to resist. I distracted myself by washing my face (and picking at it, which is a horrible habit). I walked downstairs to the kitchen, found the bagels and held them in my hand, standing there suspended in time. I don't know how long I stood there with those bagels in my hand, tiptoeing the invisible line. I finally decided it wasn't worth it. My body was telling me it was full and didn't need more food. It also told me if I decided to eat the bagel and purge, it might be too much on my body, which has been in a fragile state.

I threw the bagels in the pantry and without giving myself a chance to change my mind, went upstairs to brush my teeth and get in bed. 

VICTORY!!! POW POW! I TOLD ED NO RECOVERY NINJA STYLE! 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still struggling with the fact I overate and actually didn't purge. But I feel as though I'm out of the danger zone. I'll be okay. I'll deal with the bad body image. I'll deal with the possible weight gain *shudder* The point is, I was able to stop myself, pause and THINK about what I was about to do, instead of going on autopilot. 

I think, just maybe, I'm making progress :)

First Group Therapy Session: Winter 2012

Yesterday evening was the beginning of a new group therapy for eating disorders. My therapist Monique and a therapist in training, Amanda, run the group for 16 weeks. Usually, Monique will only take a maximum of ten people, but there was 18 girls who wanted to be in the group! Monique didn't want to turn anyone away so they split the group into two, Monique leading one group while Amanda leads the other.

This is my third group therapy with Monique and it was just as awkward as every other group's first session. Everyone is sizing each other up and deciding who is a threat to their own eating disorder and who they don't need to worry about for competition. I know I'm being quite frank, but it's true. The first session can be very triggering because all your eating disorder sees is the other girls eating disorders and it feels threatened. However, once you get to know the other girls for who they are as people, separate from their EDs, you end up creating a bond with them and usually they're helpful relationships, not triggering ones.

I think I came off as a "veteran." I acted very comfortable, especially because I knew some of the returning girls, Monique is also my therapist, and my best friend Andi was in the group too. I knew I was most likely making it easier for the other girls who don't know me to make me out as a threat. I just wanted to help the group flow and I wanted everyone else to loosen up and feel comfortable. I talked more, not about myself, but asking questions when girls introduced themselves and just filling in the awkward silences. If I could do it again, I would have stayed quiet. I felt too vulnerable and too easily judged.

I won't talk about the other girls here when I talk about group, because it's for their own privacy. But I will talk about what I've learned from group for myself.

I have a good feeling about this group. I'm excited to get to know these girls and relate to them on a level I'm unable to with most other people. And I'm SOOO happy Andi is part of the group!!!

Smoke and Mirrors

Ok, I read the blog I just posted and realized my thinking at the end of it was so eating disordered. I'm feeling stubborn today. I don't want to admit I have a problem, but I can't completely fool myself. Just wanted to let you guys know I'm aware of how I sound and I'm taking it into account. I'll be pondering it tonight and what needs to happen so I don't find myself in a deeper hole.

My new favorite song is Smoke and Mirrors by Gotye. Pretty much says exactly what I'm feeling right now.


"Smoke And Mirrors"

You're a fraud and you know it
But it's too good to throw it all away
Anyone would do the same
You've got 'em going
And you're careful not to show it
Sometimes you even fool yourself a bit
It's like magic
But it's always been a smoke and mirrors game
Anyone would do the same

So now that you've arrived well you wonder
What is it that you've done to make the grade
And should you do the same?
(Is that too easy?)
Are you only trying to please them
(Will they see then?)
You're desperate to deliver
Anything that could give you
A sense of reassurance
When you look in the mirror

Such highs and lows
You put on quite a show
All these highs and lows
And you're never really sure
What you do it for
Well do you even want to know?
You put on quite a show

(Mother)
Are you watching?
Are you watching?
(Mother)
Are you watching?
(Mother)

You're a fraud and you know it
And every night and day you take the stage
And it always entertains
You're giving pleasure
And that's admirable, you tell yourself
And so you'd gladly sell yourself
To others

(Mother)
Are you watching?
(Mother)
Are you watching?
(Mother)
Are you watching?
(Mother)
Are you watching?

Such highs and lows
You put on quite a show
All these highs and lows
And you're never really sure
What you do it for
Well do you even want to know?
Yeah you put on quite a show

Thursday: I didn't plan this.

I wasn't feeling well last night and still this morning, so I called into work sick for the first time ever at this job. My mom asked me what was wrong last night, and I told her my head felt like a 50 pound dumbbell and fatigued. She said it's because I'm not eating, which made me angry. By calling in sick, I felt like I was admitting I couldn't handle my job because of my eating disorder, and I'm not ready to admit that.

But my body decided to only confirm what I've been so stubbornly denying. I woke up and felt so weak. I finally gathered my energy and stumbled out of bed and downstairs. The fact my knees gave out on me when I tried walking didn't alarm me as much as it should have. I didn't think much of it.

All I wanted was a bagel with cream cheese and jam. I didn't want to binge, nothing else sounded good except a bagel. I finally gave in and had one. I don't know what happened after that. Maybe my body went on auto pilot again. I had another bagel. And then ten chocolate chip cookies someone made my brother. They've been in the pantry for quite some time now and I knew no one would miss them. They weren't even good- quite dry. I also had a large bowl of fruity pebbles cereal. Again, it didn't even sound good to me. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't craving sweets. Why was I still eating?

I thought I could simply purge and forget the whole incident like it never happened.

I physically couldn't purge. Again. I tried and tried and tried. I can live with bingeing on this amount. I proved I could do it Monday, I can do it again. I wasn't expecting my blood sugar to spike and then crash HARD. I haven't really eaten since Monday so I'm sure that only made things worse. It was "the oreo incident" all over again. I was passing out, shaking, heart racing, felt like I was going to die. I called Viv and she said something about my liver not being able to break down so much glucose after being denied of it. Then let's add in the physical pain of keeping a large amount of food when you haven't been eating. I felt so miserable, I laid out on our outdoor swing in 30 F weather hoping the cold would somehow snap me out of this hell.

I called my dad and told him what happened and actually ASKED him to check on me. You know I'm really not feeling good when I admit it to one of my parents. He checked on me and made me some eggbeaters because I thought maybe the protein would stabilize my blood sugar.

Needless to say, today has been a truly horrible day. I felt further fatigued and have been sleeping all day long. WHERE DID ALL MY ENERGY GO?! I felt too drained to text and too drained to move. I finally kicked my butt out of bed and took a bath, which I really didn't have the energy for but I was feeling stubborn.

I'm pretty sure those cookies I ate had gone bad. I feel like I'm going to throw up, WANT to throw up, have bile coming up, but when I try nothing comes. MISERABLE. Yes, I'm throwing a pity party for Ragan and you're all invited.

I can't imagine people at work would believe I'm doing so terrible today because of an eating disorder. It's almost comical- they think I'm just fine. Lucky because I'm thin. Healthy. Happy. Could they believe I've been wandering in and out of consciousness and barely have energy to walk down the hall? I don't want them to know. I'll show up at work tomorrow and act like everything is fine and no one will even suspect the truth. Coffee and sugar will keep me running, if my knees give out I'll hide it behind a naive ditzy smile and act like it was just clumsiness.

I've done it before, I'll do it again.

Feelings

"Did you call the hospital back?"

"Can you clean your room?"

"Have you paid your bills?"

"What are you having for dinner?"

Questions. Prodding. Pushing. Pulling. Opinions. What I should do. What I should not do.

Leave me alone. Ignore me. I'm not here. Alone. I need to be alone. I need to be invisible. I can't handle this. 

Smaller. Smaller. Smaller. Disappear. 

I cover my ears and la la la.

Bingeing

By 7am yesterday morning, I had already began bingeing, and it never stopped for the rest of the day. I have NEVER experienced a binge day like this before. The biggest difference is my body is refusing to let go of whatever food I put in it. I'll attempt to purge, but nothing actually "comes up." I finally gave up even trying to purge. Despite knowing I can't get rid of whatever food I eat, I continued to binge throughout the day. I've heard it's not uncommon for recovering anorexics to have these binges, but since I've always relied on purging as a "safe guard," I've never had to sit with the rising anxiety that comes from bingeing, and be unable to stop. Has anyone else experienced this?!!!

Yesterday was quite horrible. I felt like I was going crazy and of course I forgot to bring my Xanax to work! My self esteem was at an all-time low because my face resembled that of Nanny McPhee's since my skin broke out this weekend. I thought I'd be safe when I got home from the desire to binge but it didn't stop there, and it continued until midnight (my cut-off time). At least I was bingeing on healthier food at home. My mom made me stay on the main floor with everyone because she knew I had been bingeing all day and didn't want me to purge. It annoyed me slightly, I know she was doing it to protect me. If only she knew my body was already protecting me from myself and I literally was unable to purge. 

I think anorexics are black and white, all or nothing, and when we're in recovery, it's hard to find that balance. It's either we eat nothing or everything. At least that's how it is for me. 

Seeing the weight gain on the scale this morning didn't freak me out like I thought it would. I accepted it. I binged an entire day and didn't gain 20 pounds. Yes, there was weight gain, but I didn't blow up like my ed mind kept imagining over and over. AND I DON'T FEEL GUILTY TODAY! I felt THIN today. What the heck?! Wasn't expecting that. 

I'm seeing my dietician today and maybe she can help me figure out how to find this balance???

A list of what I ate because I'm curious (from 7am-12am):

-4 mini bagels with peanut butter and honey

-2 slices of dessert pizza

-2 bananas

-10 chocolate chip cookies

-larabar (nuts and fruit)

-greek yogurt

-1/4 cup nutella

- 1 pk ritz crackers

-loads of graham crackers

-10 mini twix candy bars

-1/2 c sweet potato fries

-1/2 c baby carrots

-1cup steamed veggies

-1 cup mashed potato and celery root

-6 ounces tilapia fish

-1cup lettuce and tomatoes with balsamic

-hot chocolate with almond milk

-yogurt with pineapple slice

-2 coffees with cream and sugar
-2 pcs cake

HOLY MOLY haha I feel like I ate more than that though. At least it was spread throughout the day. Yes, I know I definitely over-ate but looking at this list actually makes me feel even less guilty. HAHA my eating disorder is like,"WTF?! WHY ARE MY GUILT TACTICS NOT WORKING ON HER?!!!!"

POW POW. Yep. I'm a recovery ninja.

Post-Superbowl-Party

Today was an okay day. Super Bowl party went alright. It was nice to have lots of people at our house, though to be honest, I don't really care about football so I got bored by half-time. I didn't binge! Yay! Definitely ate more than usual though and my stomach isn't so happy with me :/ Still, I didn't binge and I think that's a first :) My dad made these DELICIOUS lettuce wraps and they were healthy so I didn't feel too bad about that! I also had a greek yogurt, and the only dessert type food was apple slices with caramel. I think that's what saved my butt because if there was other treats like cookies or chocolate, bingeing would have been ten times more tempting. I ended up eating a bunch of apple slices and only one piece with a bit of caramel on it. Overall, pretty good for the afternoon party!

OH! Since I've gotten home from Remuda this summer, I've had hot chocolate nearly every night and never feel guilty about it. It's funny because inpatient I was too scared to try the hot chocolate and never had it while in treatment those three months, but when I got home, it became a tradition. Anyways, my newest thing is having my hot chocolate with unsweetened almond milk! *victory dance* No longer am I too scared to have my hot chocolate with anything more than water! I couldn't be happier and it's so delicious :P

I'm actually not looking forward to work tomorrow which is odd because usually I'm ready to get back to work by Sunday evening. i think it's because I've found handling my eating disorder is more difficult at work lately. I don't know if it's the pressure to perform and dealing with disappointing my coworkers by making mistakes, but I end up struggling more with those relentless thoughts of self-hatred at work than at home. 

There's things I'm really looking forward to this week though! I'm going to coffee with Andi on Tuesday morning, group therapy is starting up again on Wednesday, and I'm getting my hair cut and colored on Saturday! So here's to a better week than last week for everyone!

Preparing for the Super Bowl

So those of you who are not American and have no idea how incredibly insane people get about american football- oh, it's a BIG thing here and the biggest game of the year is the Super Bowl. Truth is, I don't remember who is playing against who, but that part doesn't really matter to many of us. It's about getting together with friends and throwing a Super Bowl Party. It's about the commercials that are fantabulous . It's about the food and beer (no alcohol at my home though) and simply getting together with friends and watching a game on TV we may or may not really care about. It's about half time and Madonna's performance....I guess I could have simply said: It's a traditional cultural thing.

Problem: It involves an insane amount of food and many opportunities to binge and purge.

My mom approached my on the subject this morning. She said when she sees I'm bingeing in a group like setting, she can't breathe. It's horrible for her. So we made a plan. I have certain foods I'm sticking to: fruit, veg, greek yogurt, 100 cal popcorn...food that are safe for me that I can eat whatever of. I'm going to stay away from pretty much everything else, no matter how appetizing or incredibly appealing it looks. If my mom sees me bingeing, she'll pull me to the side and we'll go for a car drive to get coffee or something- anything to stop me from bingeing and purging.

I really REALLY want tomorrow to be an enjoyable time spent with friends and family. I hope this plan works!

Sibling Quality Time

I woke up this Saturday to a beautiful sunny day! First thing I did after having a hot cup of coffee was go on my walk. I have this route I walk and I love it because it's perfectly measured, a mixture of hills and exactly sixty minutes to complete. I had an embarrassing moment though when I was rocking out to Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger" and practically strutting down the very hill I took a picture of below, when I slipped on ice I assumed was melted. I fell quite hard and of course my ungraceful encounter with cement was witnessed by several passing cars. I suppose, as the song goes, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I had some bonding time with my little brother Micah today, who isn't so little might I add. Only a year ago he was 110 pounds and shorter than me and now he's a bit taller than my height and is at least 140 pounds of pure muscle. Crazy how teenagers grow up so quickly! He's been so sweet to me lately too. This morning after breakfast, we were dancing and he was dipping me and even doing lifts, tossing me across the room. He swept me off my feet and carried me around the house. We were laughing and teasing each other and he gave me a piggy back ride too. It wasn't so long ago I was the one giving him piggy back rides, considering I'm eight years older than him!

He surprised me near the end of my walk when he came up behind me to surprise me. Turns out he had been looking for me and had been walking nearly as long as I had. He looked in all the wrong places for me, the woods, a nearby neighborhood, etc. I asked him why he was looking for me and he said he just wanted to walk with me. My mom later said it was because he worries about me. I know he does...before I left for inpatient he stayed up late with me because he was afraid I was going to die. 

After our glorious and slightly klutzy morning walk, Micah wanted to go with me to World Market, which is this large store full of different items from all over the world. It's not exactly a place I'd think a fourteen year old boy would want to go shop at, but I'm not complaining. We got a mixture of things- key lime cream soda for mom, cola for him, cute earrings, etc. I was tempted to buy some of the candy I used to eat when I lived in Europe and binge/purge on it. I had it all in my basket ready to check out when I "used my wise mind" and put it back. POW POW ED.

I took Micah through Taco Bell and yet again, managed to not give in to the urge to binge/purge. We then went to my old Starbucks and he studied his english homework while I read a book. 

I had a great time talking to my brother in a more adult-relational way. He's been so sweet to me. I feel kind of guilty about this, but I like how he worries about me. It means he loves me. I've always wanted that brotherly love, that offers protection and safety. I never thought my little brother would grow up and because my big brother. Whatever happened though, I like this :)

Coping with the Unpredictable

Mission Pow Pow went well today! Definitely not perfect, but I'm learning to allow myself to not be perfect. I stuck to my goals mentioned in the previous post pretty well and tomorrow I'll do it again.

The biggest problem I ran into was unplanned events. Why does unplanned availability/unavailability of food create such anxiety?

Those who are eating disordered tend to be black and white thinkers, extreme, and perfectionistic. Gray areas just aren't acceptable because there's so much uncertainty involved. Black and White are easy to control whereas gray in definition is unpredictable.

Finding the balance of planning my meals, sticking to them, but making allowances for things like a coworker bringing in cookies or forgetting my planned lunch (which happened today) is SO DIFFICULT.

Any advice? Is it something I just have to keep practicing?

Recovery Ninja

Ever since my doctors and dietician appointment yesterday, I've been feeling very down. If you didn't see my YouTube video I made last night, I talked about how my weight is down six pounds and my other numbers weren't too great either. I got blood tests results back and some things were flagged high or low but he said all the major stuff was okay. To sum up what happened, I was faced with the reality of possible involuntary hospitalization and my treatment team yet again pushing inpatient or at least IOP since that's all my insurance covers. 

To be honest, I don't really consider more intensive treatment an option right now- because of my financial situation and because of my job. So my only option right now is to get my shit together. Tonight I wrote out a plan for the week, starting tomorrow (Thursday). I talked to Sarah too and she really encouraged me, reminding me of why I WANT to recovery and how much my eating disorder has already taken away from me. 

It's time to reclaim my life.

Main Goals:

1. Stick to meal plan.

2. Read devotions every day.

3. Take my meds (because I've been inconsistent).

4. Reduce purging to 0-1 times a day (instead of 3-6).

I gonna pull out the pow pow and take out Ed, recovery ninja style. Who's with me?