Monday, January 30, 2012


It took me a good hour to get out of bed this morning. I kept giving myself five more minutes, thinking then I might have the energy to roll out of bed. When I finally managed to rouse myself from my comfy warm bed, I stumbled on in to the bathroom. I didn't even need my contacts or glasses to see what I was in the mirror- normal. My body didn't have those defining features of someone who is malnourished. I simply looked normal. Even after putting my glasses on and actually being able to see myself in the mirror, I was convinced I looked completely normal.

Looking normal terrifies me. I hate it. 

I can't help but wonder why though. Is it some shallow thought of mine, that I can barely stand the hint of normalcy in my body? Why does it disgust me so much? This feeling and belief doesn't extend beyond me, I only apply it to myself. Other people look lovely at a normal weight. But why not me? The sad part is I'm not even a normal weight, yet I've convinced myself I look like it- twenty pounds of imaginary flesh and fat.

I don't have an answer, though I wish I knew it. All I know is this feeling leaves me feeling sad, depressed, disgusting, and shallow.


  1. Hi Rae,my name is aoife and i watch your utube videos and they have really helped me in so many ways. U make me feel less alone in all of this and i just wanted u to know after i read ur recent post i feel the same way. Normal is ok for everyone else but not for me. I recently came out pof inpatient and i have 25 pounds more to gain but people are telling me how welll i look and i just want to scream why do i need to gain anymore if i look so much better/ my eyes u are a beautiful clever girl but still absolutely tiny and DO need to gain.

    Sorry i hope u dont mind me posting this. Thinking of u,love aoife.

  2. Hey it's mbenton1131 (from other YouTube vids) I know how it feels to look in the mirror and hate every inch of "flab" called by me and normal called by everyone else some part of your brain know ur normal but ur still disgusted w/ it. I hate seeing normalniss almost as much as the fake flab. Im at a different stage in my eating disorder then u I'm 11 and I know I'm anorexic and trying desperately to hide my eating habits from my family members and friends b cuz I'm not ready to take the next step to recover or even to admit that I'm actually sick. U deserve props just for that ur SOO brave 4 trying 2 stand up to this mind crippling illness