Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Done With Therapy?

Wednesdays are always LONG days for me. I get up about 4am and begin working around 5am. Today was actually quite fun and my coworkers were all in a good mood. I usually see my therapist right after work at 3pm. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks so I KNOW I needed to go to this appointment. But when you haven't been going to therapy regularly, it's so difficult to get back into the habit.

I don't enjoy therapy. I rarely, if ever, want to go to therapy. Especially today for some reason. I just felt so exhausted and NOT at all in the mood for processing things I don't even want to think about in the first place. So...I cancelled my appointment. I told my mom my therapist had an emergency and had to cancel. I think my parents would be upset if they knew I was the one who cancelled and I didn't want to have to process why I cancelled it with them.

I just don't want to process period. I was thinking about it today and I've been continuously in therapy, both group and individual, for the past 17 months. Three of those months I was in a treatment facility and doing intense therapy pretty much every day. It WEARS on you. I get so weary of talking about feelings and I'm just at the point where I'm done with it. I don't want to learn anything more about myself. I don't want to talk about why I had a behavior.

I can't just stop though. I know that. I'm not even close to living a recovered lifestyle. I have behaviors everyday. But is therapy really going to help anything? Is this just the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life?

Ugh...just feeling kind of down about my "recovery status." I just want to be normal and not have to think about it anymore.

1 comment:

  1. I understand completely about not enjoying therapy, especially after having a break for several weeks. I too sometimes wish I could just stop going. However, it's then that I realize nobody is making me go-- I continue to go because I know I need help . Whether or not therapy seems useful, it certainly can't hurt, and nothing about therapy can be worse than an eating disorder.
    Whether or not you like the therapist definitely makes a huge difference though. I'm guessing you've probably had experience working with different therapists, so do you like the one you're with now? There's a difference between dreading therapy because it's difficult and dreading it because you dislike the person you have to talk to. I switched therapists until I found one I truly like, which made a big difference for me.
    Sorry this comment is so long, but I also wanted to share a nice quote I recently found by Marie Curie: "Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and, above all, confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained."