Wednesdays are always LONG days for me. I get up about 4am and begin working around 5am. Today was actually quite fun and my coworkers were all in a good mood. I usually see my therapist right after work at 3pm. I haven't seen her in 3 weeks so I KNOW I needed to go to this appointment. But when you haven't been going to therapy regularly, it's so difficult to get back into the habit.
I don't enjoy therapy. I rarely, if ever, want to go to therapy. Especially today for some reason. I just felt so exhausted and NOT at all in the mood for processing things I don't even want to think about in the first place. So...I cancelled my appointment. I told my mom my therapist had an emergency and had to cancel. I think my parents would be upset if they knew I was the one who cancelled and I didn't want to have to process why I cancelled it with them.
I just don't want to process period. I was thinking about it today and I've been continuously in therapy, both group and individual, for the past 17 months. Three of those months I was in a treatment facility and doing intense therapy pretty much every day. It WEARS on you. I get so weary of talking about feelings and I'm just at the point where I'm done with it. I don't want to learn anything more about myself. I don't want to talk about why I had a behavior.
I can't just stop though. I know that. I'm not even close to living a recovered lifestyle. I have behaviors everyday. But is therapy really going to help anything? Is this just the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life?
Ugh...just feeling kind of down about my "recovery status." I just want to be normal and not have to think about it anymore.