I want so desperately to change. Why is it so hard to get back on your feet when you've fallen down? I've done it before, but I can't seem to remember how I did it. I know these few weeks I've had apart from my outpatient team haven't been good for me. Not only was it the holidays, a notoriously difficult time for the eating disordered, I was also not seeing any of my treatment team, besides the doctors visit this last week. I need to see them. Soon. I think I've gone too long "on my own" and now I feel lost...directionless in my recovery.
Right now, there's a christmas staff party going on downstairs at my house. All of the pastors, their wives, and the interns are all over for a potluck and gift exchange. Yep, that's right- POTLUCK. I had planned to not have any of the potluck and pretty much stay secluded in my room. Plans never work out, do they?
So WHILE I'm practically bingeing in front of the two girl interns I'm sitting with at the table, I accidentally find out one of them is in recovery from bulimia. She mentioned something about recovery to the other intern whom she's friends with and of course, I ask recovery from what? I knew before she even said anything- she felt really embarrassed so I was like, oh, it's ok, I totally understand. I'm in recovery from an ED too so it's all good, and we dropped it there. Yes, AWKWARD. Why did I confess that?! Seriously?! (As I'm eating five cookies, meatballs, pizza bites...really Danilee? You REALLY think that was a smart move?)
So now I've decided to actually seclude myself to my room now, in the hopes I won't keep making a fool of myself.
I wish I was like the girls in those documentaries and TV specials about eating disorders. They're a hot mess, go to treatment, and WHAALAA! They're "cured" and completely normal. I did the whole hot mess and treatment part but I seemed to miss the last part.
All I want is to cuddle up and snuggle with someone, maybe cry a little too.