She told me about what it was like to see me right before I left for treatment. To be honest, I don't remember much of last March and April. There's a patchwork of memories from that time, but it's mostly things I've pieced together from what others told me. It's weird to not remember a part of your life, like you have amnesia or something. Anyways, she told me she cried after she saw me. I wasn't very coherent, lost track of what I was saying all the time, I was shaking the whole time. I guess Andi asked if I had anything to eat yet and I didn't really have a good reply. I agreed I probably needed something (which tells me even I knew something was very wrong), but I couldn't eat anything at the coffeeshop so I had her take me home. I think I did that because eating out wasn't safe. Eating at all wasn't safe- but if I had to eat, I was going to do it at home in a controlled environment where I could measure out exactly what I was having and no one was watching me.
From what friends have imparted to me concerning that time, I had to bail out many times because of my health- the shaking, passing out, chest pains. I wasn't "alive," but simply "existing."
I'm sad and scared, because I'm not too far away from being there all over again. Unless I get my weight up and decrease behaviors, I'm going to be living deja vu and lose another few months of memory. Can I do this outpatient though? Or am I already too far gone to do it on my own?