Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Ghost of Me

Andi and I had fun last night. We didn't even watch a movie or anything, all we did was talk till the wee hours of the morning. We talked about everything, but especially eating disorder related topics. I forget Andi hasn't had the opportunity to be a part of an ED group therapy setting, or around other girls with eating disorders who are positive and encouraging each other in their recovery. I can see how much it helps her to know she's not alone and to have someone who understands because they've been there. It's comforting for me too, to have someone who I've loved for years understand this part of me on a deeper level.

She told me about what it was like to see me right before I left for treatment. To be honest, I don't remember much of last March and April. There's a patchwork of memories from that time, but it's mostly things I've pieced together from what others told me. It's weird to not remember a part of your life, like you have amnesia or something. Anyways, she told me she cried after she saw me. I wasn't very coherent, lost track of what I was saying all the time, I was shaking the whole time. I guess Andi asked if I had anything to eat yet and I didn't really have a good reply. I agreed I probably needed something (which tells me even I knew something was very wrong), but I couldn't eat anything at the coffeeshop so I had her take me home. I think I did that because eating out wasn't safe. Eating at all wasn't safe- but if I had to eat, I was going to do it at home in a controlled environment where I could measure out exactly what I was having and no one was watching me.

From what friends have imparted to me concerning that time, I had to bail out many times because of my health- the shaking, passing out, chest pains. I wasn't "alive," but simply "existing." 

I'm sad and scared, because I'm not too far away from being there all over again. Unless I get my weight up and decrease behaviors, I'm going to be living deja vu and lose another few months of memory. Can I do this outpatient though? Or am I already too far gone to do it on my own?


  1. You have to do it outpatient. Inpatient will stabilize you medically and point you in the right direction, but that will not fix the problem. You have to find a way to maintain at least minimal health and stay in therapy.

  2. When it comes down to it, you are going to have to do it no matter what. You are going to have to recover from this because you are such an amazing person and you don't deserve to continue living with this awful illness. Might as well do it now, right? Your recovery will come from you, and only you. Treatment will help, so I would say give it your all and really embrace what you can get out of outpatient before going to a higher level, but if that it what you need, then by all means, do it. Do whatever it takes to escape this awful disorder.

  3. I recently read a recovery story on the website beat (beating eating disorders). The woman says, "I realised then that I had three choices: get better now and get on with my life; get better later and waste more time or never get better. I decided I’d wasted enough of my life." That really resonated with me. Here's the url if you want to check it out:

  4. I wish that you could see yourself as I do - though I do not know you personally, I feel I know you from all of your vlogs. You are beautiful and smart and witty, and as both a bulimic and Registered Dieititan, I know that this in no way has to do simply with food or weight. I pray for your health and the strength to take care of yourself in the way you would take care of anyone else you deeply love.