I was running out the door for work this morning when my mom asked me straight up if I'd eaten breakfast. I've never been good at lying and I always get caught, so I was honest. No, I hadn't eaten breakfast. My mom's eyes welled up with tears as she asked me what was going to fuel me for the day if I didn't have breakfast. *guilt trip* She recommended a cheese stick and I hate to see my mom cry so I grabbed an apple for bonus points.
Around lunch time, I was ravenous. Okay, when I say ravenous, I mean the kind of hunger that reduces you to your primal instincts and nothing can get in between you and food. You go on auto-pilot. Ed doesn't have a say when you're in auto-pilot-primal-instinct mode. I had toast w/ peanut butter and jelly, was still hungry so had a toast PB & J sandwich too. Still, I was SO HUNGRY. I ate a few graham crackers. STILL HUNGRY. I had a boost (energy/supplement drink). Finally the whole crazy hunger thing abated and I no longer felt like I could eat everything in sight. It was so WEIRD.
Of course, a wave of GUILT hit me eventually. I called my mom and told her what happened, what I ate. I just needed to hear it was okay I ate so much food and didn't purge it. I felt like if she didn't tell me it was okay, I'd have to purge or do something because then the guilt would have been too much. I've heard other ED girls experience similar thoughts. That's why we need support and a good treatment team. We NEED to hear over and over again it's OKAY to eat, we're nourishing our bodies, and it's not wrong to enjoy food. We need that affirmation because we need something to compete with the voice in our head saying food is bad.
I'm starting to get a dreadful head cold :/ It really started getting worse after my "feast." I wonder if my body was trying to tell me I was getting sick and was like,"I need some nutrition to fight this thing for you! So give me some damn food girl!"
I came home after an INSANELY BUSY day at work, ate a nice dinner and watched Super 8 with my family. I snuggled with my mommy too :) It felt good. You know, to actually eat and not purge it. I need days when I can see the other side- recovery is an option. I won't always be controlled by ed.
Yay! AND it's the weekend!!! I have big plans this weekend too, but I'll tell you about them tomorrow! Night loves!