Sunday, January 15, 2012


Today's been an odd day :/

You know when you FEEL thin, think you LOOK thin, but then you get on the scale and somehow you've gained a bit of weight? And since the number on the scale didn't align with how you felt and saw yourself, you obviously are WRONG because the almighty scale is always RIGHT. So then you don't feel thin, or think you look thin, anymore. That's how my day began.

I went to church and had an immensely difficult time sitting still. I couldn't stop moving and I couldn't focus. This need for nonstop motion has only intensified the past few weeks and it drives my family and friends crazy because I can't just sit down and watch a movie. When I am sitting down, my foot is always rapidly bopping up and down. It helps relieve anxiety, but anxiety from what?

I was home alone a bit today and ended up purging. I tried to replace it with mushrooms and eggbeaters with tahziki. But there's this invisible line that if you eat something and you cross over that line, you feel as though you have to purge. I ended up having a few graham crackers and for some reason, it pushed me over the line. I felt like a complete FAILURE after that, but managed to eat substantial food about an hour later.

I still felt so much anxiety about eating lunch (it was NOT safe food) and finally keeping it, I just had to get out of the house. It's below freezing here but a beautiful sunny day :) I have a walking route I always walk and it takes me exactly one hour to complete. I feel much better now. It's amazing what fresh air and a little exercise can do for a person!

I'm meeting Bonnie at Starbucks, so I thought I'd come a bit early and blog ;) We have a Bible study group at my house tonight, which always causes me some anxiety because people always bring homemade baked treats. My challenge tonight is to not binge and purge on them. I am planning on having an apple and hot chocolate during the group instead of whatever they bring, but who knows what will happen. Plans always seem to change when it comes to small group.

For now though, I'm happy sitting here in sbux with my chamomile tea with honey in hand.

1 comment:

  1. and people ALWAYS go together, don't they? Maybe that's why it's so isolating in the crux of an ED. I hope everything went OK Ragan!