Monday, January 9, 2012

Music Of The Night

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams! 
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!              
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar! 
And you'll live as you've never lived before ... 

Softly, deftly, music shall surround you ... 
Feel it, hear it, closing in around you ... 
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind, 
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight - 
the darkness of the music of the night. 

Music Of The Night by Andrew Llyod Webber from Phantom of the Opera

Everyone's in bed and it's just me up. I used to be a little nightbird when I worked for Starbucks. I'd work late night shifts, get home around midnight and stay up till 3am. It's been a long time since I've been the last one up. 

I remember why I love the night. I can ponder things without worrying about my musings being interrupted. 

I'm also clearly remembering why it became a nightmare. My eating disorder was such a monster once there was no one around to witness its atrocities. It reigned in the darkness. I didn't exist in the night, only the monster within me and I was miserable. I'd be sobbing over the toilet, crying I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to purge. But I would, and I'd do it all over again until I was so exhausted and dizzy, I'd pass out. Swollen glands, mouth sores, shaky hands and bloody vomit couldn't stop me. 

Ana chastised me by day and Mia bullied me by night. Remembering this's sobering. It reminds me of where I've been, where I am, and where I want to be. 

Goodnight, my friends. 

1 comment:

  1. Hi =)

    I just wanted to say this is so beautifully put, and so true! Thank you for posting xxx