Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Self Hatred

Everything was going so well today. Work was awesome- really chill and easy-going. A snow storm hit my city this morning, making it look like those snow globes when you really shake them up. I'm not too fond of snow, particularly because I absolutely hate driving in snowy, icy conditions. My anxiety was through the roof when it was time for me to drive home all the way across town. So I did what any highly anxious person with drugs would do and took a pretty high dosage of Xanax. 

That's when the trouble began. On my way home, I decided for some reason I wanted to binge and purge. Keep in mind, I haven't done this since I got home from treatment. At least not on purpose and going to the store specifically for binge food. I got a pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, two donuts, and two candy bars. 

I don't know WHY I did it, but it set me up for a pretty horrid night. It wasn't so bad in the binge/purge sense, because I only purged three times, which is actually far from my worst-case scenarios. It was the feelings of self hatred for doing such a shameful thing. 

I feel a bit out of control tonight and really tempted to self-harm. I'm just disgusted with my body and lack of self-control. Something in me wants to just scream. I kind of WANT my parents or someone to get on me for something just so I can freak out and have a reason to scream. 

Am I the only one who has nights like this? I'm just so angry, tired, frustrated, ashamed...I feel reckless and indifferent. 

On a GOOD note, I'm doing what I really don't want to do and treating myself with kindness, even though I don't feel like I deserve it. I'm having G2 gatorade and toast with peanut butter and honey, since I haven't really kept much down. 

I wish I didn't ruin today with my bad behavior. I'm ready for a new day.


  1. I don't know what to say but I feel compelled to say something. I identify completely with what you expressed. Yes tomorrow is a new day, if we have nothing else at least we have that.

  2. Please treat yourself kindly and with respect you deserve it!

  3. The deeper you let the eating disorder take you, the less control you have. If you want to get angry, take it out on Ed.


  4. Seems like we had the same kind of day, I've done well for weeks and today I just had the feeling and need to binge/purge. We all have our bad days I hope tomorrow is a better and stronger one. xo

  5. I'm so confused I'm eating more then u cuz I have no self control and ur saying that that's a good day but for me eating this much makes me feel worthless how do u feel good about eatIng??!?!??!!?!??!?!?! I'm so helpless ;(