Sunday, January 22, 2012


After Friday's craziness, I had a pretty laid-back Saturday. I didn't really have any energy to do anything anyway and probably would have stayed snuggled up in my bed all day if I didn't get so bored just laying there. I pushed myself to clean my room up a bit, which turned into OCD cleaning my bedroom, and then the bathroom. I scrubbed the toilet literally three times until I was satisfied with it. Scrubbed the tub, the floors, the counters, sink, mirrors. Did several loads of laundry and cleaned up the kitchen. It's like once I start cleaning, I can't stop! I felt productive though, which is always a nice feeling :)

My brother has been waiting for me to play Skyrim, a new game I got for him and I on the PS3. I played for about an hour, letting him boss me around and tell me what I should/shouldn't do and what buttons to push. I wish I still enjoyed video games, but I felt kind of bored. I used to play for hours on end, just like how I used to read all day. I'm sad I'm not like that anymore.

I'm happy I've had more of a LIFE lately. I'm usually hanging out with Rissa, Andi, or Bonnie these days. It's nice to hang out with friends again, instead of isolating. It lessens the depression and makes me feel more normal.

I've been missing Tyler a lot. He knew all of my crap- he knew how deeply I was hurt by someone repeatedly throughout my teenage years, he knew about my anorexia, he wasn't disgusted by my bulimia, he understood how much depression sucks because he had been there himself. He was proud of me, despite all the mistakes and years of eating disordered behavior. I was proud of him too. He was far from perfect, but he had a beautiful heart and would talk to me for hours about his friends- the girl in his class who was pregnant, the guy doing drugs, his friend's who were addicted to porn, his own issues with porn, a friend of his who had an eating disorder. He definitely had opinions and had a strong sense of right and wrong, but he loved them, worried about them, and wanted to help them in any way he could. 

I love my brothers. Both of them. I'm so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I most definitely don't deserve it. I've never pretended to deserve it. I'm the first one to admit my mistakes and failures. But that's what life is about, right? Learning from your mistakes, and most importantly, loving. It's easy to love those who love you back, but it's my life goal to learn to love the unloveable. And I only think that kind of love comes from God. 

I'm just chillin in Starbucks, contemplating all of this. I've been in a thoughtful mood today. Feeling humbled, blessed, loved, and secure in who I am. 

Hold onto the truth, lovelies. 


  1. Hold on to the truth? What that you're still a fat failure- waste of a life.

    1. You are one sick individual. For one, she is not a failure or a waste of life. She is a BEAUTIFUL person who is putting herself out there to help so many people overcome their eating disorders. Where as you are wasting your time in writing twisted responses that don't even hold any value I had to choose who the failure is here, it would be you.

    2. well at least we can agree she has a life.

      So for anyone reading this... I'd like to ask you to pray for this anonymous abuser. This bully clearly has their own issues to work through and needs support, although he/she is unable to ask for it on their own. Pray that they can find self-respect, self-esteem, and satisfaction with their own life.

    3. Wow, amazing job u found out our secret, calling ppl suffering from Ed's fat makes us feel bad. Good job now why don't u deal w/ ur own problems instead uv harassing those who r overcoming theirs. U really need a life if u can't find anything bttr 2 do then bully ppl ANONYMOUSLY. Srry if u found my comments offensive but some time u have 2 b brutally honest. I'll b praying 4 u and that maybe you'll find the courage 2 apologize NON anonymously.

  2. Just wanted to say I'm glad you got to have a nice quiet reflective day. I know I need one soon to calm down the chaos. I don't really have too much to add, but wanted to say that you can do this. Keep going. And thank you for sharing everything that you share with us. It helps me to feel not so alone in this. <3

  3. Kayyy idiot ^^ firstly I wont even address the fact that anyone who thinks she's close to being "fat" is obviously blind. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. You're just trying to say the thing you know would hurt her the most for some sick reason. And second, if she's such a "failure" and a "waste of a life" then how has she helped myself along with hundreds (at least) of other people deal with day to day problems and overcome EATING DISORDERS? I can bet my life that if you dedicated your whole entire existence on accomplishing something that huge, you couldn't help one person. Sooo yeah, screw off pretty much. <3

  4. Hello you! :)
    I know exactly what you mean about cleaning, once i start... i just keep going. It gives me something to do, and it feels good once the house looks tidy. Its usually my sunday thing to do... haha!

    How are things going for you now? :)

  5. Hi,
    I've been an anonymous reader for several months now and am now finally brave enough to become an anonymous commenter! Amazing, I know.
    Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how incredibly helpful it has been to watch your videos and read your blog. The way that you talk about your ED in such a raw, real way makes me feel less alone. Even though my family thinks I'm crazy, you've helped me to realize that there are others out there who are going through the exact same thing as I am.
    You're such a beautiful inspiration to so many struggling people out in this world and I hope that you don't take that person's comment to heart. They are a spiteful, sad person who probably just needs help and love but doesn't know how to ask for it.
    Your brother sounds like he was incredible...I'm so sorry that you had to lose such a light in your life.
    Thanks again for being so amazing and keep on sharing with us!

  6. Hmmmm… laid-back Saturday, I wish. Instead b cuz I listens 2 Ana at the beginning uv the school year I signed up 4 every sport imaginable. And my Saturday's include soccer practice morning volley ball practice mid day and tennis evenings. Then my games rotate but when they clash all heck breaks loose and I'm shuffled the death walk between half times 2 the other sport. And on top of all that I got the lead n my drama club play and I'm n reg chorus,(alto) reg band (clarinet) alite chorus, all county chorus, nysma chorus and ensemble band. Thx over achieving personality mixed w/ Ana's chant uv MORE MORE MORE calorie burning activities! LESS FOOD LESS FOOD LESS FOOD! Ugggg and dont listen 2 that idiots 1st comment ( inphisis on IDIOT!!) as alway stay strong