There's something that happened a long time ago that shaped the way I feel about men. Because of someone crossing boundaries with me over a period of time, the thought of being close to a man scares the heck out of me. I can't really explain it but when I was a teenager, I became anti-guy. I said I would never marry and so far, I've pretty much stuck to that belief. I don't want to date. When a guy is interested in me, I shut him down pretty fast.
I love the independence that comes with remaining single, but part of me loathes the loneliness inevitable when shutting out romantic interests. I'm both envious and disgusted with couples who are in love. I want it, but I don't. Mostly I don't.
I'll sound like a teenage girl saying this but, I honestly wonder why people would want to have sex. I know when I get below a certain weight, I am more anti-guy and run away from romance like it's the plague then when I'm at my ideal weight. I'm more than below that number.
That's another thing, when I'm underweight, nothing in me wants men to find me attractive. I think it's why I find the malnourished and emaciated body so desirable. Then men WON'T approach me and make me feel uncomfortable.
I don't want to be attractive sexually.
Anyways, I'm just wading my way through these thoughts. It came up in therapy today and again when a friend told me she was going on a date Friday night. I know this sounds weird, but I feel like I lost her. Now she's just like the rest and yet again, I'm alone.