Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Pondering the Concept of Romance

I FINALLY saw my therapist after not seeing her for five weeks. I was dreading it because I knew there was a lot to talk about and I didn't really want to think about all that's happened in the last month. But it went better than I thought it would and I think I actually feel better now.

There's something that happened a long time ago that shaped the way I feel about men. Because of someone crossing boundaries with me over a period of time, the thought of being close to a man scares the heck out of me. I can't really explain it but when I was a teenager, I became anti-guy. I said I would never marry and so far, I've pretty much stuck to that belief. I don't want to date. When a guy is interested in me, I shut him down pretty fast. 

I love the independence that comes with remaining single, but part of me loathes the loneliness inevitable when shutting out romantic interests. I'm both envious and disgusted with couples who are in love. I want it, but I don't. Mostly I don't.

I'll sound like a teenage girl saying this but, I honestly wonder why people would want to have sex. I know when I get below a certain weight, I am more anti-guy and run away from romance like it's the plague then when I'm at my ideal weight. I'm more than below that number.

That's another thing, when I'm underweight, nothing in me wants men to find me attractive. I think it's why I find the malnourished and emaciated body so desirable. Then men WON'T approach me and make me feel uncomfortable. 

I don't want to be attractive sexually.

Anyways, I'm just wading my way through these thoughts. It came up in therapy today and again when a friend told me she was going on a date Friday night. I know this sounds weird, but I feel like I lost her. Now she's just like the rest and yet again, I'm alone.


  1. I felt like that too for quite a long time. I had little interest in relationships, and as I got very underweight and malnourished, I literally had no interest in men. I think gaining confidence and assertiveness helps. Of course no man should never cross your boundaries, and it's never your fault if that happens. But when it comes to innocent men who are simply interested in you for you, having confidence in yourself, in my experience, makes it feel less uncomfortable because then I feel like I am choosing to be with the man and choosing what things will be like in the relationship. I don't know if that makes sense? I won't pretend to be an expert on this stuff though because I am in my 20s and have only been with my first boyfriend for the last few months, I guess what I'm saying is that being more confident in myself before getting into a relationship made me more confident in that I have just as much control over the relationship as he does. But really, like everything in life, recovery has to come first. Actively engaging in your eating disorder screws with your hormones, as I'm sure you know. I'm not saying if you just get better, suddenly you will want to get married and have kids, but I do believe that if you get better and continue to work through your issues in therapy, the idea of that might not seem so scary. Sorry for rambling so much. Hope some of that was at least slightly helpful.

  2. I know what you feel I can't see myself with a guy, I mean i think about it that it might be nice, but then I think why I'm not that special, I can't be with anyone no one would want to be with me. But I do get how you feel alone,you are not alone you have me and everyone that follows your blog and youtube.

  3. I have the same thoughts and feelings and it is because stuff happened to me. I haven't properly gone over it in therapy because it always ends up being put on the back burner but yeh. Nice to know I'm not alone in a horrible way because I'd prefer you just to be happy x

  4. Yet another post that could have been written from the confines of my own brain. As a result of my trauma history, the idea of actually desiring a relationship with a man seems impossible, completely foreign. And yet there is still that part of my heart that longs for nothing more than to be a wife and a mom. So thankful to hear another 20 something year old female say that she can't comprehend why anyone would WANT to have sex. I know that I SHOULD probably want it at this stage of my life, however the thought of it literally repulses me. I wish that I could make sense of it, that all of us that struggle with this issue could make sense of it...yet at this point I just don't know how to do it. Hugs and love my dear <3

  5. I have actually had people ask me to do a YT video on this topic, and i may do one and make it private, because I feel like it is such a tough topic to tackle. I also have a history of trauma, but my situation is a bit odd (and I won't go into it here)...regardless, relationships while struggling with recovery are HARD. I am lucky to have found a tremendously supportive man who loves me for who I am, and respects my "bad" body image days with regards to intimacy. I am at the point now where I am in recovery, but struggling a lot, so the issue of sex/intimacy is tough. I wish I had something more to say, but just know that it can and will get better. (And this is coming from the girl who thought she would never find a bf/love)

  6. I can really relate to this. You express these difficult emotions with such clarity and insight. I really enjoy reading your blog, and I'm rooting for you! you are one of seemingly few who address your faith in God and use that, to whatever extent, as a tool in your recovery. I admire you for that tremendously and you have been a role model for me in that respect. And I think you should be proud of yourself for that-because you are serving God in ways that you can't even see. :) And, just as a side note, I have watched all your YT videos and I've practically been jonesing for them lately, since it's a been a while since you've made one. lol Anyways, I hope that you are able to move past this rough patch in your recovery as well as resolve (or at least to some extent reduce) the distress that the terrible thing in your past has/is causing you. Best of luck, and many prayers!

  7. With my trauma history, labeling my eating disordered mind as "Ed," with a male connotation/voice, was really terrible and made things much worse. I now think of it as "my eating disorder." I've always wanted to tell people how creepy I felt having a man in my head, but I didn't think anyone would get it. Maybe other trauma survivors will be able to relate?

  8. I hate feeling sexually attractive. Or even just sex in general. It scares me way too much.
    The thought of touching and others feeling my body makes me feel really anxious. And even though I am in a relationship, it still scares me :[


  9. have been abused. That is terrible. You don't have to be like anyone else. Heal at your own rate...xoxo