Thursday, January 19, 2012


I sent this email to Monique, my therapist, just now...thought'd I'd share it with you lovely peeps.

Ok Monique, I just had this realization that's sent me into a panic. I realized I'm not doing good. I mean, you'd think I would have figured that out by now, but it just hit me. I think my biggest head block keeping me from realizing how crappy I'm really doing, is that my weight isn't that low. It's not near my lowest, therefore I'm okay. I'm not sick. I'm just fine. 

Once I got around that head block, it hit me- I purge every day, almost always multiple times, with the rare exception of a purge free day that comes around once (if I'm lucky twice) a month. I realized- that's not normal!!! That's not HEALTHY! It's eating disordered. I'm very much in my eating disorder and it's scaring me. What is it going to take to get me better? How can I possibly stop on my own? I can seriously not see myself doing this on my own. I want to try of course, but I don't think I can do it on my own. I have a job I LOVE and I want to keep, I have no money for treatment anyway, barely enough for outpatient treatment. What am I going to do?

My automatic response is, well, buckle down and just do it. But am I setting myself up for failure? Can I really do it on my own or am I just fooling myself?

To be honest, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about anything. It's so hard to think and talk about all of this. I'd rather pretend everything is fine. But I've cast a spell that's fading and all that's left is a mess called me. Or maybe poetically I could stretch the truth and say I more resemble an abstract painting done by a master of the arts picasso. Either way, I'm not put together quite right. 

Now I'm just rambling. Don't be alarmed. Just know, that I know, I'm not doing so hot at the moment.



  1. I'm always thankful for your authenticity as it gives me the courage to be more open and honest as well. We are FB 'friends', and although you don't really know me yet, please know that there is someone in Michigan praying for and wishing nothing but the absolute best for you tonight.

  2. Reaching out to your therapist was the right thing to do. In my opinion, inpatient treatment is of little value. They can stabilize a person medically, for a large sum, but I found the rest of it useless. Both times. A good therapist can help you understand why you are doing this and help you 're-wire' yourself. And it may take several years. Eight for me. Things may never be perfect, but hopefully you will get to a place where things are 'good enough'. This may not be the most uplifting response, but after 20 years of this (the last eight years in real therapy, I believe it to be the truth. RF