Ok Monique, I just had this realization that's sent me into a panic. I realized I'm not doing good. I mean, you'd think I would have figured that out by now, but it just hit me. I think my biggest head block keeping me from realizing how crappy I'm really doing, is that my weight isn't that low. It's not near my lowest, therefore I'm okay. I'm not sick. I'm just fine.
Once I got around that head block, it hit me- I purge every day, almost always multiple times, with the rare exception of a purge free day that comes around once (if I'm lucky twice) a month. I realized- that's not normal!!! That's not HEALTHY! It's eating disordered. I'm very much in my eating disorder and it's scaring me. What is it going to take to get me better? How can I possibly stop on my own? I can seriously not see myself doing this on my own. I want to try of course, but I don't think I can do it on my own. I have a job I LOVE and I want to keep, I have no money for treatment anyway, barely enough for outpatient treatment. What am I going to do?
My automatic response is, well, buckle down and just do it. But am I setting myself up for failure? Can I really do it on my own or am I just fooling myself?
To be honest, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about anything. It's so hard to think and talk about all of this. I'd rather pretend everything is fine. But I've cast a spell that's fading and all that's left is a mess called me. Or maybe poetically I could stretch the truth and say I more resemble an abstract painting done by a master of the arts picasso. Either way, I'm not put together quite right.
Now I'm just rambling. Don't be alarmed. Just know, that I know, I'm not doing so hot at the moment.