Friday, January 27, 2012

Renewed Resolve

Last night my mom randomly asked me to put some time aside this weekend to talk about my eating disorder-where I'm at, how I'm feeling about it, how my parents feel, make some boundaries etc. I sort of had a panic attack. WHY WOULD SHE TELL ME THIS?! Now I had to wait in anticipation and anxiety, wondering how exactly this conversation would play out. My anxiety was so high, I finally got my parents to just talk about it right then and there.

I was honest- I'm up and down in recovery. I voiced the thought that's been lurking in the back of my mind for the past couple days: I feel like giving up on recovery. I'm so tired of fighting.

I couldn't help crying when I told my dad how hurt I was when he said my PB & J sandwich wasn't nutritious enough for dinner (see previous post). He understood and apologized. I'm glad I brought it up.

Overall it was a good conversation. Now my parents know where I'm at in recovery and I guess we're going to be "communicating" more often.

AND NOW FOR THE BIG NEWS! My family is planning to go to San Diego in June! My dad is speaking at a conference, for real this time.

Okay, so last May my family was supposed to go to California because my dad was speaking at a conference and we were going to hit up Disneyland and SeaWorld while we were down there. For weeks, I tried to convince my family and team that I was well enough to go to Disneyland and I thought I had them convinced, but then my health took a turn for the worst. The day I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, I went to Remuda Ranch for inpatient treatment instead. My dad had to cancel his speaking engagement and the entire trip because of me. I felt incredibly guilty, you have NO IDEA.

This is my chance to redeem myself- to be healthy enough this time around to actually go to Disneyland with my family. I don't think my parents realized it, but this vacation has given me a renewed resolve to beat my eating disorder. I WANT to be well enough to go, and the way I've been living- I would have been in the hospital instead of Disneyland AGAIN.

I will fight you Ed, and you will lose.

Kicking Ed's ass, one supplement at a time!


  1. Whoop well done! For the supplement, for the conversation, for living with the anxiety xxx

  2. That sounds great, I'm so happy for you!

  3. You've got this, girl! Kick some eating disorder ass! Recovery is hard, but life on the other side is so much better. You can do it.

  4. You go girl! Many are pulling for you out here!

  5. Congrats! I think it is great that you spoke up and told your father how that comment affected you!! Keep on drinking the boosts, using your voice, and kicking you ED's ass :)