Reflecting

After Friday's craziness, I had a pretty laid-back Saturday. I didn't really have any energy to do anything anyway and probably would have stayed snuggled up in my bed all day if I didn't get so bored just laying there. I pushed myself to clean my room up a bit, which turned into OCD cleaning my bedroom, and then the bathroom. I scrubbed the toilet literally three times until I was satisfied with it. Scrubbed the tub, the floors, the counters, sink, mirrors. Did several loads of laundry and cleaned up the kitchen. It's like once I start cleaning, I can't stop! I felt productive though, which is always a nice feeling :)

My brother has been waiting for me to play Skyrim, a new game I got for him and I on the PS3. I played for about an hour, letting him boss me around and tell me what I should/shouldn't do and what buttons to push. I wish I still enjoyed video games, but I felt kind of bored. I used to play for hours on end, just like how I used to read all day. I'm sad I'm not like that anymore.

I'm happy I've had more of a LIFE lately. I'm usually hanging out with Rissa, Andi, or Bonnie these days. It's nice to hang out with friends again, instead of isolating. It lessens the depression and makes me feel more normal.

I've been missing Tyler a lot. He knew all of my crap- he knew how deeply I was hurt by someone repeatedly throughout my teenage years, he knew about my anorexia, he wasn't disgusted by my bulimia, he understood how much depression sucks because he had been there himself. He was proud of me, despite all the mistakes and years of eating disordered behavior. I was proud of him too. He was far from perfect, but he had a beautiful heart and would talk to me for hours about his friends- the girl in his class who was pregnant, the guy doing drugs, his friend's who were addicted to porn, his own issues with porn, a friend of his who had an eating disorder. He definitely had opinions and had a strong sense of right and wrong, but he loved them, worried about them, and wanted to help them in any way he could. 

I love my brothers. Both of them. I'm so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I most definitely don't deserve it. I've never pretended to deserve it. I'm the first one to admit my mistakes and failures. But that's what life is about, right? Learning from your mistakes, and most importantly, loving. It's easy to love those who love you back, but it's my life goal to learn to love the unloveable. And I only think that kind of love comes from God. 

I'm just chillin in Starbucks, contemplating all of this. I've been in a thoughtful mood today. Feeling humbled, blessed, loved, and secure in who I am. 

Hold onto the truth, lovelies.